Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why am I nervous??

Tonight Marc and I are going to see the infertility psychologist. I have already met her (and like her tremendously) and know what to expect. Why am I so nervous? I guess it's because we are taking another new step into the unknown. We are going to her seeking help in making the biggest decision of our lives. How do we create a family? We can't do it the old fashioned way. We can't even do it the technological way (IVF). It has to be egg donor (either my sister's egg or an a donor), adopting an embryo (other person's sperm & egg in my uterus) or adoption. I believe in G-d and I believe G-d is definitely trying to say something to Marc and I. I just can't figure out what it is. Is this G-d way of telling us that we should care for the children of the world? Is this G-d's way of telling us that she/he/it has provided doctor's with technology - use it? WHAT IS G-D TRYING TO SAY?????? I am reading "Hannah Wept" and it's a book on infertility from a Jewish standpoint. I never realized how much infertility there is in the bible but it's full of it. It is viewed as a punishment for transgressions and it is also something that afflicts the righteous. There is no real rhyme or reason for it (I guess). My friend Cecily talked today about her relationship with G-d in her blog (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/) and I realized how much I have been struggling with my relationship with G-d. I'm still very angry and I do need to make peace with G-d and my infertility. Hopefully this appointment will help me head off in the right direction.

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