Friday, February 25, 2005
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Marc and I had our appointment with the psychologist last night and it was great. We were able to talk our many of our fears about donor egg, donor embryo (which we have now ruled out) and adoption. I felt so pressured to make a decision (by myself) that I didn't realize that I haven't given myself (and Marc hasn't given himself) time to grieve. I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of grieving for a dream. It's not something I've ever really done. The doctor said that we need to give ourselves time and not rush into anything and we agree with her. I'm glad that Marc liked her and felt very comfortable talking to her. I spent a lot of time listening last night. I spent a lot of time feeling validated. My fears, my anger, my pain are ok. Not that I thought that they weren't ok - it's just nice to have someone tell you that they are. Well, we are closing in on cruise time. I can't wait!!! Tonight we are going out for my Uncle's birthday and then tomorrow night will be spent packing. ACCCKKKK so much to do so very little time! ---------------------- Edited to add.... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I can't take any more! One of my dear friends on an infertility board just lost one of her two twins. She had the CVS performed and her son was great - he's fine, he's healthy. Her daughter had a Trisome of 18 which is horrible. She will either pass in the womb, be born stillborn or possibly be able to live for a few months after birth. Since my friend was leaking fluid which could possibly injure both mother and healthy son, she had to stop the pregnancy for the girl so that her son would live. Please, if you read this, please keep them in your prayers! When I was talking to the doctor last night, I relayed a fear that I had. That I would go through all of this pain and struggle to have a baby, get pregnant and then lose the baby. I told her about Cecily, Anne and all of the women who responded to Anne by saying... I've had the same thing happen. She told me that it's not common, that I'm just seeing it because of the circumstances. And now this happens. My heart is breaking. It's breaking for my friend and it's breaking for me.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Tonight Marc and I are going to see the infertility psychologist. I have already met her (and like her tremendously) and know what to expect. Why am I so nervous? I guess it's because we are taking another new step into the unknown. We are going to her seeking help in making the biggest decision of our lives. How do we create a family? We can't do it the old fashioned way. We can't even do it the technological way (IVF). It has to be egg donor (either my sister's egg or an a donor), adopting an embryo (other person's sperm & egg in my uterus) or adoption. I believe in G-d and I believe G-d is definitely trying to say something to Marc and I. I just can't figure out what it is. Is this G-d way of telling us that we should care for the children of the world? Is this G-d's way of telling us that she/he/it has provided doctor's with technology - use it? WHAT IS G-D TRYING TO SAY?????? I am reading "Hannah Wept" and it's a book on infertility from a Jewish standpoint. I never realized how much infertility there is in the bible but it's full of it. It is viewed as a punishment for transgressions and it is also something that afflicts the righteous. There is no real rhyme or reason for it (I guess). My friend Cecily talked today about her relationship with G-d in her blog (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/) and I realized how much I have been struggling with my relationship with G-d. I'm still very angry and I do need to make peace with G-d and my infertility. Hopefully this appointment will help me head off in the right direction.
Monday, February 21, 2005
I love my company. I work for a fitness company and everyone here is the best. Part of my job is speaking to health club owners. I have spoken with current and former football pro's and, while I've been slightly awed by these guys... nothing compares to this guy.... About 2 weeks ago I met w/a club owner and his staff... over the phone... to go over our program (I'm a geek and I should have figured it out from the beginning) . I have been playing phone tag w/him and his staff to field some questions. I've left a few messages but alas, I am guilty of not fully listening to the entire message. Today I called and left a message and I actually heard the voicemail message. I left a message and thought to myself "did I just hear that right?" I called back and realized that the man I had spoken to at the meeting was none other than the son of the late Jim Henson! I talked to Kermit's, um, well, son? I was dancing around the office singing the Mena Mena song for the rest of the day. I love Kermit! I still remember taking my baby sister, the Princess, to the first Muppet Movie. Much to do... Much to get ready for. Cruise is in less than a week and I had to go out and buy all new clothes cause I'm too fat to fit into any of my old stuff. I hate what infertility drugs have done to my body and I'm determined to get back into shape. I want to be known as that rare person who actually loses weight (not for lack of eating - more for lots of exercise).
Thursday, February 17, 2005
I found this great product. It's called Umcka Coldcare (got it at Whole Foods) and it is supposed to shorten the duration of throat, sinus & bronchial irritations. I figured, what have I got to lose? So I started taking it Tuesday afternoon (I got the menthol flavor and it tastes good) and today I am feeling SO much better! I'm still sniffly and coughing but definitely a tremendous improvement over yesterday. Marc and I were supposed to visit the psychologist last night but cancelled because I didn't want to subject this wonderful lady to my ugly germs. Tonight we were supposed to go to this meeting for people who may be interested in adoption. We decided to bag that too. There is another meeting scheduled the week after we get back from the cruise. I need some more down time (even though I'm feeling better). Marc is wonderful. Last night he made me spicy turkey chili and rolls for dinner. Talk about your comfort foods! I hadn't eaten anything all day so I had 2 bowls of chili. Then, after dinner he sent me to bed and cleaned up the dishes. He's a good man.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
They came into the office sick and now I have their fucking colds. UUGGGHH It started out as a sore throat and is now sitting in my chest. Lovely - just what I fucking need. I have enough to do right now without this adding to it! Marc and I have an appointment tonight with the therapist. I just left her a long message saying that even though I feel up to the appointment, I don't think it's fair to expect her to be locked in a room w/me for an hour coughing all over her. So here I sit in my office with the door closed, drinking green tea w/lemon and honey, popping tylenol, taking Umcka (homeopathic cold medicine) and trying to call my customers.
Monday, February 14, 2005
I saw this post on a board and just had to share it - it's the origins of Valentine's Day as listed on http://www.rotten.com. Today in Rotten History Feb 14 The eve of the Roman feast of Lupercalia. Naked youths would run through Rome, anointed with the blood of sacrificed dogs and goats, waving thongs cut from the goats. If a young woman was struck by the thong, fertility was assured. Pope Gelasius I decided this was a bit too much, and co-opted the Roman holiday to be the Feast of St. Valentine in 484 A.D. My response to this posting??? ~jumping up and down waiving wildly~ Hit me, Hit me, I'm open!!!! Marc and I have agreed no gifts (I told him I'd kill him if he ordered flowers... so he picked some beautiful roses and gave them to me yesterday) since we are going on a cruise in 2 weeks. We exchanged cards this morning. The silly ones in the morning and the serious ones tonight. Ohhh, speaking of tonight.. we are going to Morton's Steakhouse for dinner. Weight Watchers be damned! Well, I'm off to try to soothe my poor sore throat that woke me up at 2am. Wishing everyone love, happiness and peace. I've got the love part down... just need to work on the peace and happiness.
Friday, February 11, 2005
I should have listened to myself when I said I didn't want to go (j/k). OMG I fucking hurt today! It was a hell of a workout and I was very much over my head in this class (pun intended). It was definately for more advanced yoga people but I tried my best, sweated my ass off and had a great workout. I pushed myself more than I have in a long time. I was very fortunate that my friend who insisted I take this class was in training as an assistant. She spent the majority of her time keeping me from falling over and killing myself. My head felt much clearer when we were done. Thanks Joey! I'm feeling angry today. On the news someone through a newborn baby (maybe an hour old) out of a moving vehicle into the gutter (ok - the baby landed no a grassy median) with a plastic bag over it's head. What the fuck is wrong with people?? I know that many people are embarrassed by their infertility. This needs to stop. We need to take to the airwaves, to the TV, to print media and tell our stories. Maybe if these kids hear our pain, they won't be so quick to throw their baby's away. Maybe they will stop and say "I heard the saddest story about this woman who can't have a baby and really wants one... I'll just give her mine". They offer these programs (where I live) that if a mother drops off her child (of any age) at a hospital, police or fire station - it won't be considered abandonment and she won't face prosecution. The only advertising I ever saw about this program is on a city bus. It's just so sad.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
This feeling that I want to just curl up and die. I feel so fucking sad today it hurts. I just want to bawl my eyes out. I know that I have tons of emotions that I have to work through but shit, I hate it when they sneak up on me. Why can't I react to a situation when it happens? No, instead I react after the fact. I'm struggling with the desire to cancel on my friend tonight. We are going to a yoga class and then to dinner and I really just want to go home. I wasn't feeling well earlier and I still just feel run down. I know I should go because yoga will be good for stress relief yadda yadda yadda. I'm just not feeling it and what kills me is that if I cancel, my friend would totally understand which makes me feel as guilty as hell. I'll decide later.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Ok fine, we went. It was exactly what we expected. We can either do egg donor (either my sister or an anonymous donor), embryo adoption (the people who have done IVF and have left over embryos will sometimes donate them to people like me) or adoption. We have a lot to think about. Dr. H loved my tee shirt. Knowing I was going to have a shitty day, it seemed appropriate to wear my favorite tee. If you don't know from Happy Bunny... it's this hysterical line of tee shirts with a cute little bunny with rude sayings. My shirt has the bunny with it's paws up by it's little nose. The caption reads... "You smell like butt". Speaking of shitty.... Only those of you in infertility blogland can appreciate the insane humor of this... After our consult - Dr. H wanted to an ultrasound just to see if I had any follicles and/or lining so that she could prescribe something to bring on my period before my cruise (G-d Bless that woman!). So I go into the dildocam room, get undressed and assume the position. Well, as she is putting in the ultrasound wand... I feel this rumbling in my stomach. I was so close to farting it's not even funny (ok, it's hysterical for us - but could you imagine the poor Dr if I had?). Now, my left ovary is embarrassed that it sucks so much so it's in hiding and she's using that ultrasound wand like it's the stick shift on an old car and between the pain of her trying to find the ovary and me trying not to fart... well, let's just say that it wasn't pleasant. She tells me to meet her outside and leaves me to get dressed. I quickly throw on my underwear and pants and bend over to put on my shoes when... BBSSPPPTTT - loud as all get out! I get my shoes on and Dr. H is right outside the door with her head down over my chart. I swear she was trying not to bust out laughing. On the way home, I tell Marc the story and we had a good laugh. That's what we need right now, good laughs.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I feel like a 2 year old, wanting to fling myself on the floor, kicking my feel, pounded the ground screaming "no, I don't wanna go!". Today is our consult with the RE about my super high FsH levels. I know she's going to tell me that she won't impregnate me with that kind of an FsH level. I know she will tell me I only have 2 options (adoption or donor egg), I know that she won't tell me what I want to hear (there has been a huge breakthrough in the past week - we have a cure for high FsH). I don't wanna go! If I don't hear her say it than it won't be true. I didn't sleep last night. I kept waking up with this horrible feeling in my stomach. I finally dragged myself out of bed, went to the gym, forced myself to read some more of "Adopting after Infertility", showered and then came into the office. I need to focus, I need to work.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Nope, that wouldn't be a sexual reference, that would be in the position to be in the presence of not one... but two incredibly beautiful pregnant women. Both are due in the next few weeks and have big round beautiful bellies. Everyone gushing (and rightfully so) over them, my friend wanting to take pictures of their tummies. Me, sitting there, trying to focus on my beloved team losing the Superbowl, feeling quite empty. Surrounded by wonderful people, feeling so very alone. It's amazing - I've seen this process rip couples apart. I've also seen it cause couples to grow closer. I think Marc and I are one of those couples. With the exception of the game... it was a great weekend. Marc and I reconnected on a level we haven't be on in a long time. Ah, intimacy, what a beautiful and wonderful thing. Speaking of my wonderful husband.. he's changed a bit. Twice over the weekend he reacted to a situation differently. Each time he reacted in a way that I would hope he would. In one situation he was being protective of me and the other, he recognized that something upset me and apologized. This got me to thinking... he has really worked so hard at being there for me... am I really there for him? Something to think about and discuss. Monday is almost over. We are in countdown mode. 18 days till vacation!
Friday, February 04, 2005
First and foremost, please visit my friend, Cecily's, blog (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/). She lost her father, a firefighter, in a fire yesterday. I'm old. It's official. I'm not just old, I'm fucking old. Not only has my body shut down but now it's starting to break down. My good old reading glasses aren't enough. I'm "on the borderline of needing bifocals". That's it! I'm not going to any more doctors. Every time I go it's something else! My stress level is just climbing and climbing. Last night we had dinner out w/my parents & sister. My mom and sister were smashed by the time we got to the restaurant w/my Dad. She was loud and goofy (which is fine) but apparently got mean on the way home w/my dad. They have to stop fighting - it's killing them both. Between my mom's bitch boss and my dad not helping - it's just too much. They have to find balance. My darling wonderful husband had no patience last night. He gets this air about him when he's upset/annoyed/angry etc that I just feed off of. I asked him if he was angry and he said he was annoyed w/the drunken antics. What he didn't realize (I guess) is that he was snappy with me. I'm about as raw as possible these days - I don't have the tolerance for it which sucks because he has every right to be pissy. He was fine after an hour or two (when he crawled into bed and pressed his ice cold hands on my nice warm boobs and his ice cold feet on the backs of my nice warm legs... YIKES). The day is almost done... I'm heading out to get my hair done and then home to relax.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
So on my way home last night and I'm channel surfing on the radio. I hear the DJ instructing the caller to call her gyno immediately. During drive time - this station apparently has a call in show where the listeners ask sex questions. Anyway - the DJ then goes on a bit of a rant about women and their gyno's and she concludes with... "Ladies - when visiting your gynocologist - your mouth should be as open as your legs - talk to your doctor!" Amen Sister, Amen!
~sigh~ It's just the little things that get me. When he places his hands on my face and kisses me, when he pulls me back into bed for a few minutes of extra snuggles, when he makes me my favorite dinner and when he says something that just gets me, you know, right there in my heart. I'm reading (at the recommendation of the therapist) "Adopting After Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnson. Now, up until this point, I have been the one reading everything I can get my hands on with regards to infertility and just reporting what I've read back to Marc. As I finished my workout (stationary bike - so I could read), I went over to say goodbye to Marc as he ran on the treadmill. I told him that the book was "so far, so good". He then said "Great, I'll read it when you are done". Wow. I don't know why this hit me the way it did but... Wow. I just fell in love with him all over again. "Is it possible that the drugs are what caused my system to shut down". This is a thought that I've had off and all for the past few days. One of my wonderful friends, Lori, is a chemist for a major drug company. She said to me on Saturday that it's a shame she is working on drugs for menopause instead of working in the division that is currently working on FsH at her company. WHAT???? There are a bunch of scientist, that you know, working on FsH. GET ME PHONE NUMBERS!!!! I want to talk to these people, I want to understand what is wrong with my body, I want to know if it's the drugs or did my time just run out. She promised she'd talk to them and I know she will. Lori and her husband Andy have been a big part of our lives for some time now. Marc and I met them at swing dance class. The other people in this class were very strange and Lori and Andy were the closest thing to normal (at least our kind of normal) in the room so we just gravitated to them. It was pretty funny, I am the dancer in our little family and Andy is the dancer in his. As we tripped across each other on the dance floor we would talk about the goings on in our town. Do you like Mexican? Do you like Italian? Have you been to this place or that place? We all decided we would celebrate the completion of the class by dinner at a BYOT (bring your own tequila) Mexican Restaurant that Marc and I love and that Andy & Lori had never been to. On the last day of class, there was no sign of Andy and Lori. I was heartbroken - we had been stood up for our date! Well, after class when we went into the lobby, there was Andy and Lori sitting with a bottle of tequila. They had gotten stuck in traffic. We were now dating. It's funny, the first time we went out as a group with their friends, one of Andy's friends said to us "oh, your the couple that Andy and Lori are dating!" It became an ongoing joke. Last Memorial Day Weekend Andy and Lori tied the knot in Boston. We were honored to be invited but even more honored when we were asked to participate in their Uf Ruf (a Jewish celebration the day before the wedding). They even took us to a Sox game! Now Andy and Lori are really ready to settle down and they are moving to Boston so they can be close to Lori's family. I can't say I blame them for wanting to be close to family but it makes Marc and I sad. We will miss them but they have promised to visit a lot and... now that they have bought a house up there... we will visit them. So... one last thought before I go to work...... GO EAGLES!!!!!
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
I guess it's because they cancelled my cycle and I am not having to obsess over taking shots, temping etc. Even though I feel defeated by this whole process, it's still nice to have me back. Does that make any sense? I think I got lost in the process somehow. We played poker last night. It was fun. First we went out to dinner, just the two of us and actually talked about things other than fertility. Then we went to play poker. It's a charity tournament so I don't mind spending the $20 just to lose (I suck at poker... well... usually). Last night I finished in the top 4. Marc was the #2 player at our table (I'm so proud). It was fun. Two nights ago I took a benedryl before bed (thanks to a stress related rash). I actually slept through the night for the first time in months! I was so productive at work the next day.. it was wonderful! Last night, without aid of drugs, I woke up a few times. I hate to rely on drugs for anything but I may just try to take benedryl a few nights in a row and maybe I'll be able to get my sleep patterns back on track.