Sunday, October 30, 2005


My blog is worth $3,951.78.
How much is your blog worth?

Now, how it came up with that number... I have to go back and read how it's computed. We are waiting on my friends. The asshats at USA 3000 have sent the twins carseats to Pittsburgh. Ok, if that's bad enough... the asshat manager tells my friends "it's ok to take them in a car without carseats - if you get pulled over, just tell them we sent the carseats were sent to Pittsburgh, you won't get a ticket. Um, ok - then what about if there is an accident you mutherfuckingstupidasshole???? They are sooooo lucky I wasn't there! The TSA would have had their officers there in a heartbeat when I start screaming at that idiot. My darling friends are waiting for their seats to be delivered (coming in on another flight) so that they can beging their adventures here.

Friday, October 28, 2005


OMG - you have to read Karen's latest post over at Naked Ovary. I just about pee'd myself laughing!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Ahhhh therapy

Therapy is a beautiful thing :) I went back to my therapist last night. Gd I missed her! She always knows the right thing to say, the right hand out to give me (she is the total queen of the handouts!) and knows my family so my sessions are just a little bit easier. She has also been given my url so Debbie, if you're reading this.... Hi!! The one thing that has really stayed with me all day and has me very excited is the idea of "Staying In Your Own Business". It's based on a book by Byron Katie and just has me floating on air. Go read the part I've highlighted - go ahead, I'll wait - it's on page 3. I am determined to work on Staying in My Own Business. I think my life will be a little easier if I can master this skill. So.... I just have to say..... THE BABIES ARE COMING THE BABIES ARE COMING!!! My friends who just had twins (4 months old) are coming to stay with us for a while. They live in Florida and rode out the Cat 4 Hurricaine. Their house is ok - just a bit of damage but they have no power so we get to play with Bob & Alyssa and the twins. If I can manage to get their permission, there may be some photos in it for all of you! I have to admit, I did feel a little weird at the prospect of other children sleeping in Dylan's room before he did (please - no battles - there is no crib to fight over) but that was just a fleeting thing. My incredibly wonderful sister-in-law is lending us her pack-n-play and they are bringing toys and such. Yaaayyyyy - babies in the hizouse!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

~insert commercial here~

We interrupt this blog to bring you this little commercial. If you are in the NY area (or have friends or family in the area), my best friend, Jennifer, is teaching a really cool cooking class. It's being held at the Skirball Center" (it's the "From Culture to Cuisine" class. Go - learn - eat - have fun!! We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Have we changed?

What has infertility done to us? My mother told me I have changed. Not in relation to infertility but in general. I attribute a large part of what she said to our battle with infertility... she disagrees (whole other topic). I realized that she just doesn't get it. She never has and she never will and, to be quite honest, I'm glad she doesn't get it. I'm glad my mother has never known (or will ever know) the pain I've been through. We bash fertiles for saying the wrong things to us, for making stupid remarks, etc. Think about it though... do we want them to understand? Truly understand? To truly understand would mean that they would have been through it themselves and I know I would never wish that upon anyone. So, to all of the fertiles that I love and have lashed out against, I'm sorry. I see myself as being a different person now. A little sadder, a little harder. I'm sure it's much deeper than just that but I just can't put it into words. I belong to a club I never thought I would join. Hell, I didn't know it existed. Once you join this club, you are never out. You may have children through luck, ART or adoption but once an infertile, always an infertile. But this club we belong to, look at the people who are part of it... I've met some of the most amazing women through this club. Friends who are going through ART like Cecily with a whopping 334 beta today, to Barb who, I truly believe, is one of my soulmates to my dear friend Liana who has been my voice of reason and an incredible source of strength. Just look at the list on the left side of this page - every single one of these bloggers have touched my heart and my soul. With the exception of a few blogs listed, these blogs deal with adoption, infertility or both. Thank you all for "getting it".

Friday, October 21, 2005

Happy Friday

Woke up early - went to spinning class and got my first official spin injury. I have no idea what I did but I tweeked my shoulder and neck and had to leave class early. GRRRRR On a happy note - we are having our company happy hour tonight and I think they will be announcing my promotion. Yay! My boss also mentioned we may be going the local strip joint after so Marc will be happy (lots of boobies - YaY!). Hopefully will be a very low key weekend. Found out today that there has been some staff changes at the Embassy which is probably why we haven't gotten our pre-approval yet. Apparently they are working on the ones from 9/6 (we are 9/20) so hopefully won't be too much longer. Have a great weekend blogland!


Hi Brio :)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I love

"What does Bangarang mean" That was a google search that brought someone to my site. I know I was on someone's site recently and gave a very excited "Bangarang" response to some good news. Want to know what Bangarang means??? Go rent Hook. ____ Ok - will the person who came to my site after doing a search on the Legendary Wid please delurk. The Wid is one of my favorite comedians and I'd love to say hi to a fellow fan. ____ Ok, which one of you sick fucks did a searh on "naked in the stirrups"?? Inquiring minds want to know. ____ On a side note. I had dinner w/my Mom the other night and we worked through a lot of things. I think we are on the road to recovery.

Everybody... Join me in the Happy Dance

Cecily pee'd on the stick and got those beautiful lines to show up! Please go over and wish her a healthy & easy pregnancy.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Cecily is testing soon! Everyone say a prayer, send good vibes, happy thoughts, run to the nearest wishing well and throw every piece of change you have in for our Cecily. I hope she gets her BFP and has a wonderful nine months. Prayers coming your way my friend. Lots and Lots of them!

Morris' Mommy Is Moving

If you live in the PA/NJ/DE area and love kitties... (from a friend of mine) I am moving out of the country at the end of November and I can not take my friend, Morris. He is loving – he is declawed and fixed. He is 17 years old, in good health and does not act his age. Please help me find a good home. I am willing to pay for his food and litter for six months if I someone can take him in. I have great photos that I can't seem to upload so if you are in the area and are interested, please leave me a comment and I will email you back my friend's contact information and photos.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

It's amazing what an hour or so

of cuddling can do to one's emotional well being. This morning the alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. The house was freezing because the windows were open and we were snuggled up under our big down comforter. I moved to get up and Marc just grabbed me and snuggled up and told me that we didn't have to go to the gym today. We just laid in bed, snuggled up, occasionally beating the shit out of the alarm clocks. When I finally managed to peel myself away from him I felt recharged. My depression lifted a bit. My physical pain had subsided (been suffering from major reflux) and just felt stronger. Go figure - a day I don't work out - I feel like I could take on the world. I'm having dinner with my Mom tonight. Tonight I will learn why I have been getting the cold shoulder. As a good friend pointed out... I need to stop worrying about the "why" of things. I worked on that last night. I'm trying to let go of the "why" and I think it's helping me not worry about tonight. There is nothing I can do about the why - only how I react to it. Hopefully my therapist will call me back today to schedule an appointment.

Monday, October 17, 2005

A little lightness....

Thanks to my friend Suby (aka Cathy) on the weight watcher's GDT board today for this lovely quote.... I'd rather go to the gyno than the dentist, but of course, when I go to the gyno, I know in advance how many cavities there are. Amen Sister!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


I suck. I am a terrible daughter. A terrible sister. Why? I don't know. I must. My family wants nothing to do with me. When I speak to my mom, she's cold as ice. My sister didn't call me on my birthday. Neither did my Dad or brother. All I can think of is my birthday. I wanted to have a nice dinner at home with my family. My Mom said I shouldn't have to cook and I told her Marc would cook. She told me she would cook and bring it here. When I found out that my brother wasn't coming (I had to call him, 4pm the night before the dinner) he made some very lame excuse as to why he couldn't come. I told my Mom and she announced that we would go out. I told her that's not what I wanted and I was basically told "tough shit". Being my usually self, I agreed but I told her I didn't want fancy. My father called to tell me what restaurant and I told him I didn't want to go there. Again.. tough shit. Again, like a pussy I agreed to go. Service sucked, the food sucked and my sister spent most of evening on her cell phone. My mom busted on me (as she loves to do). I told her that I really wanted them to come over for cake and coffee. Half way through dinner she tells me she doesn't want to come over and that she'll come over the next day. NO! I want them to come over Saturday. The stayed for maybe 20 minutes at that. Long enough to have cake and coffee and out the door they went. Before they left I told my Mom I wanted to sleep in and not to all and wake me. She called at 11:00 a.m. the next day to wish me a very cold happy birthday and told me she wouldn't be singing to me because I asked her not to. I have no idea what is going on. I'm so tired of the passive aggressive bullshit. I'm tired of every little comment, every little action creating drama. Walking on eggshells so not to offend anyone. I can't relax, I'm always worried about upsetting people. I have a very highly developed level of guilt and I really need to get over it otherwise it's a legacy I will pass on to Dylan. Something I desperately don't want to do. To say I am suffering from depression is putting it mildly. The only way I have been able to hold it together has been with Marc' support and dreams of Dylan. First thing Monday morning I am calling my therapist. It's been years since I've seen her but I am having such a hard time dealing that I need to borrow some of her strength. This is why I haven't been blogging much. The promotion has taken so much of my energy that by the time I get home, I just want to eat dinner and go to bed. It's sad. I haven't been able to enjoy this time in my life. It's been something I've always dreamed of and I'm just miserable.

Sorry I've been MIA

I've been trying to get my head around some family shit since this past weekend and I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. I've also been training someone new in my department so that has been taking up a ton of time and energy - by the time I get home... I'm wiped out! The new guy is doing well and my promotion will be announced at the end of this month. Yikes!!! Yesterday we were in a meeting and my brain detatched and said to me "What the fuck is going on here? You.. A manager... Are you kidding me???" So many times I've worked for companies that told me that I would advance quickly only to be knocked down. My current company? Tell them where you want to go and they will help you get there. How cool is that?? I have to call my agency today. I think there is a conspiracy going on. Barb just got her DNA match and her son was wearing my son's outfit! We think they may be foster brothers. I'm waiting to call the agency to find out if it could be true. I may not be posting a lot over the next few days - I want to get a handle on myself and what is going on in my head plus I have Yom Kipper to deal with. For my Jewish friends, have an easy fast and I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Friday, October 07, 2005

On a positive note...

It's Friday, the weekend is about to begin and I'm just about done work. This is my birthday weekend and it's the last birthday I'll have without a child. This weekend it's all about me! I'm having dinner with my family on Saturday night and Sunday, Marc and I are going to a nice romantic dinner somewhere nice (it's a surprise, I'll let you all know on Monday). Remember, we all get out of the world what we put into it. If you put out negative vibes and evil thoughts, that is what will come back to you. If you put out positive vibes and good thoughts, that is what will come back to you as well so.... what's it going to be?? Be kind to yourself and others. Do at least one thing a day to make yourself laugh and at least two things a day to make others laugh. It's hard to be mad or sad when you have a case of the giggles. This concludes my granola chunchy entry. Have a great weekend!

Blog Drama

It never ceases to amaze me how some people get so caught up in drama. There is some drama that you have to get caught up in. I can understand when it involves your family, your close friends (even some not so close - real life acquaintances even fall into this category), your job, your home, etc. but when we are talking cyberspace.... that's a whole different ballpark. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not referring to spirited discussions that take place on various blogs over whether or not breastfeeding should be allowed in public or whether to allow a child to cry it out. These are conversations. People voicing their opinion in hopes that maybe, just maybe they will sway someone over to their side of the fence. No, I'm talking about he said she said bullshit and people leaving nasty comments on each others blogs over stupid bullshit. Oh, and this isn't just on blogs... I see it on boards too (hi WW peeps!). I'm not saying I'm high and mighty and I don't get worked up when some ignorant asshole calls me fat and ugly (oh wait, I deleted that post didn't I?) but I get over it quickly enough. Readers.... do you get worked up too? Do you get so upset over internet postings that you leave nasty comments (whether anonymously or straight to their face) in an attempt to do nothing more than hurt people? Do you sit in front of your computer just seething? Do you lay in bed at night wondering what you can do to scare/hurt/injure, etc. the people who have offended you??? If you do... I have a secret for you - the people that you are upset with couldn't give a shit about you and have probably already forgotten about you. They have a real life with real friends and real family. So, as my WW peeps would say, pull up your big girl panties and move on with your lives. By the way, this is in response to about a dozen or so blogs I have seen recently with some pretty vicious shit in the comments (all not related to each other) as well as some pretty funny shit I've seen on my WW boards.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Forgive me Infertiles for I Have Sinned

I feel like such a piece of shit tonight. I learned that a fellow suffer gave birth to twins. Instead of rejoicing I was overcome with jealousy. This is not a friend mind you. She used to be. The friendship was toxic to me and I had to end it however I don't wish her ill. Yet, when I discovered she achieved what I had so desperately tried to grasp... I was overcome. I wanted to yell and scream and throw things. Yeah, really fucking grown up I know. Please don't get me wrong, our infertility has given us Dylan and I wouldn't change anything. Dylan is our son. We had to go through the fertility chase in order to get to this point... I get that. It doesn't make this hurt any less. Please feel free to flame me... I do deserve it.

Shit - I done gone and got tagged.

A Mini Meme Speckblog tagged me for this meme. It's a good one.The Rules: 1. Go into your archive. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same. My sentence: I hate it when they sneak up on me. This post was entitled "Wow, where is this coming from?" I was blabbering on about feeling down and that those feeling just snuck up on me. I was trying to decide if I should bag out on my friend Joelle who I had made plans with to go to yoga and dinner (I went - and was very glad I did). I tag... Deep Kick Girl, Ms Prufrock, Gabe's Mommy, Lumi (who hasn't posted much lately), and Barb

3 Months Ago Today

Our boy came into this world. Gd I just wish I could go get him already! We received an update with a medical report and photograph and instead of making me happy, it made me a bit sad. He's smiling in the photograph. I don't know who he's smiling at (probably his foster mother) but it's not me or Marc. Was this his first smile? What other milestones have we missed? Ok, I'll fess up, the wait is really starting to get to me. I know that in a few months this will all just be a fading memory but it hurts so much right now. Thank you all for your input in my last post. It gave me a lot to think about and I'm sure if I'm ever in public and see a blended family - I will probably keep my mouth shut.