Thursday, October 06, 2005

Forgive me Infertiles for I Have Sinned

I feel like such a piece of shit tonight. I learned that a fellow suffer gave birth to twins. Instead of rejoicing I was overcome with jealousy. This is not a friend mind you. She used to be. The friendship was toxic to me and I had to end it however I don't wish her ill. Yet, when I discovered she achieved what I had so desperately tried to grasp... I was overcome. I wanted to yell and scream and throw things. Yeah, really fucking grown up I know. Please don't get me wrong, our infertility has given us Dylan and I wouldn't change anything. Dylan is our son. We had to go through the fertility chase in order to get to this point... I get that. It doesn't make this hurt any less. Please feel free to flame me... I do deserve it.

15 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:12 PM

    Julie,

    From what I understand motherhood by "natural" means does not erase the sting of infertility. It might dull it, but it doesn't make it go away. Why should motherhood by adoption? I don't assume that couples who have moved onto adoption have completely "gotten over" their infertility by any means and I think your feelings are normal. Don't beat yourself up! You still love Dylan just as much as you did before you wanted to throw things and that's what counts.

    I don't even know her and I'm jealous. ;)

    Tara

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  2. No flames here... just commiseration. I want to punch a wall whenever I hear the words "I'm pg!" (Probably bc I'm never the one to say the words). We've been through Hell and we're entitled to be pissed off and jealous, even after we've moved on to fabulous things (little boys named Dylan!).

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  3. I feel like that all the time, and I only feel slightly less so if its someone that I know had fertility issues. If its someone I'm not to friendly with, then whatever kindred-spirit-ness over IF is out the window.

    You can feel sad about not being PG and still be happy about Dylan. They are not mutually exclusive.

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  4. Flame you?
    Never ma'am.
    Understand you? YES! YES! YES!
    Oh,Jealousy. Why must you visit so often?
    It's all a part of the game & we've all been playing long enough to know that.

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  5. No flames. I think we are all jealous of people we never thought we could be, much less someone with whom we don't get along with so well anymore.

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  6. As everyone else has said. You're not deserving of any flaming. As weird as it sounds, even though I managed to get pregnant, I am still jealous of those pregnancy announcements. That's right, you heard it here first folks. Infertility's claws are far-reaching and dug-deep.

    I understand exactly where you are coming from.

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  7. No flames from my direction either. You have nothing to be sorry for. It's normal to have these feelings and I understand exactly where you are coming from!

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  8. I cannot e-mail you from work for some reason so I am leaving you a very public HAPPY BIRTHDAY here!! I know I will forget to e-mail you over the weekend with my 200 MPH life and I didn't want to forget.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

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  9. Anonymous11:00 AM

    Julie,

    I totally understand this. Infertility stays with you always. It fades in time, but it's always there. It just takes time before that jab at someone else being able to achieve what you struggled with for so fades. And it's independent of how happy you are with your child. It's the memories of all that pain. It will pass.

    Emily

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  10. Shame on you for being human. I suffer the same condition. Remember, we truly can not help the way we feel - only the way we behave. Don't be so hard on yourself, sister!

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  11. I see your jealousy and raise you one. My best friend -- BEST FRIEND, mind you -- just had her first IVF transfer yesterday. I am really hoping she never gets pregnant, so she and her husband will adopt like we are. I'm just so tired of feeling like the only person in the entire world that fertility treatments didn't work for. But I know I'm terrible for wishing that on her. Thank goodness for adoption blogs like yours! :) (And P.S., I'm actually glad to hear that you still have these feelings -- I've been feeling totally inadequate at how completely you seemed to have moved onto adoption & never looked back. Nice to know that you are, indeed, human also. :} )

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  12. I'm sorry you are in pain.

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  13. I know it hurts. My SIL is about to give birth to a son from her 1 and only IVF, and it really pisses me off that she got so lucky (on the 1st try!!! HA!) and I failed 5 or 6 times with IVF.
    Anyway - I am happy for her but it still hurts.
    But.....I am about to become a Mommy too so that is what I focus on.
    {{{{HUGS}}}}

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  14. I think what you are feeling is completely understandable.

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  15. No flaming from me either, only total understanding.

    I am not a jealous person, honestly, I'm not. But I have become so very jealous after experiencing infertility. I've always been one to say, "Emotions and thoughts are not crimes and we should be free to think/feel whatever we want . . ." But lately my "thoughts" and "emotions" have the tendency to get so wicked that even I have had to put a lid on them--they scare me!

    I so understand--and twins! Now, I ask you--why should anyone get served multiples when I can't even get a singleton? Huh? Not fair, not fair.

    And last but not least--I have SO MANY acquaintances/friends getting pregnant between age 40-42 and no, they are not doing donor egg (am fairly certain about that based on various clues). So WHY aren't all THEIR eggs CRAP?? Huh?

    Answer me that.

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