Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I suck. I am a terrible daughter. A terrible sister. Why? I don't know. I must. My family wants nothing to do with me. When I speak to my mom, she's cold as ice. My sister didn't call me on my birthday. Neither did my Dad or brother. All I can think of is my birthday. I wanted to have a nice dinner at home with my family. My Mom said I shouldn't have to cook and I told her Marc would cook. She told me she would cook and bring it here. When I found out that my brother wasn't coming (I had to call him, 4pm the night before the dinner) he made some very lame excuse as to why he couldn't come. I told my Mom and she announced that we would go out. I told her that's not what I wanted and I was basically told "tough shit". Being my usually self, I agreed but I told her I didn't want fancy. My father called to tell me what restaurant and I told him I didn't want to go there. Again.. tough shit. Again, like a pussy I agreed to go. Service sucked, the food sucked and my sister spent most of evening on her cell phone. My mom busted on me (as she loves to do). I told her that I really wanted them to come over for cake and coffee. Half way through dinner she tells me she doesn't want to come over and that she'll come over the next day. NO! I want them to come over Saturday. The stayed for maybe 20 minutes at that. Long enough to have cake and coffee and out the door they went. Before they left I told my Mom I wanted to sleep in and not to all and wake me. She called at 11:00 a.m. the next day to wish me a very cold happy birthday and told me she wouldn't be singing to me because I asked her not to. I have no idea what is going on. I'm so tired of the passive aggressive bullshit. I'm tired of every little comment, every little action creating drama. Walking on eggshells so not to offend anyone. I can't relax, I'm always worried about upsetting people. I have a very highly developed level of guilt and I really need to get over it otherwise it's a legacy I will pass on to Dylan. Something I desperately don't want to do. To say I am suffering from depression is putting it mildly. The only way I have been able to hold it together has been with Marc' support and dreams of Dylan. First thing Monday morning I am calling my therapist. It's been years since I've seen her but I am having such a hard time dealing that I need to borrow some of her strength. This is why I haven't been blogging much. The promotion has taken so much of my energy that by the time I get home, I just want to eat dinner and go to bed. It's sad. I haven't been able to enjoy this time in my life. It's been something I've always dreamed of and I'm just miserable.