FUCK YOU GOD!

It is 8 pm on Wed night. I just got off the phone w/the imaging center. They are squeezing me in tomorrow a.m. You see, they found two "nodes" in my left breast and just have to be sure it's nothing. "It's probably only a cyst". That's what they said. By the time you read this, I will have answers. I can't post this on my blog before I have answers. I don't know if my Mom reads my blog or not but this is not the way to find out that my first mamogram was also my first breast cancer scare. I needed to write because I'm so fucking scared. I feel so alone. I just walked with 45,000 women who have, in some way, been touched by breast cancer yet I feel like the only person in the world to have an abnormal mamogram. I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING. I know it's probably just a cyst. I'm just terrified of the other possibilities. Did you know that if I have breast cancer it completely fucks up our chances of adopting??? If that happens I'm going to be a crazy cat lady. Marc brought me flowers to try to cheer me up. He's coming with me tomorrow and it means more than I can say. How this wonderful healthy man got mixed up with fucked up me I'll never know but he must have pissed someone off in a previous life. He made me a wonderful dinner with a beautiful salad so I will stop feeling sorry for myself, eat some dinner, drink myself into oblivion and deal with this tomorrow. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's tomorrow and they have squeezed my tits to about an inch, poured goo on them and rubbed it around with a big wand and I'm fine. It was probably just a cyst. I left a message for my doctor. Lady who answers the phone asked what the call was in reference to and I told her that I am one pissed off patient and I want a call back. You see, what started all of this loveliness was one of her staff members. On the way home yesterday, my cell starts to ring so I answer it. I hear "Hi Julie, this is stupid cunt from Dr. R's office, I thought I should give you call because I'm a breast cancer survivor myself". WHAT THE FUCK????? I kept saying "excuse me?". I couldn't hear her telling me that it was probably nothing, probably just a cyst because I had "I'm a cancer survivor myself" ringing in my head. I'm also pissed that, if there was a problem, she should have called me herself, not had that idiot call me.