Wednesday, May 11, 2005

FUCK YOU GOD!

It is 8 pm on Wed night. I just got off the phone w/the imaging center. They are squeezing me in tomorrow a.m. You see, they found two "nodes" in my left breast and just have to be sure it's nothing. "It's probably only a cyst". That's what they said. By the time you read this, I will have answers. I can't post this on my blog before I have answers. I don't know if my Mom reads my blog or not but this is not the way to find out that my first mamogram was also my first breast cancer scare. I needed to write because I'm so fucking scared. I feel so alone. I just walked with 45,000 women who have, in some way, been touched by breast cancer yet I feel like the only person in the world to have an abnormal mamogram. I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING. I know it's probably just a cyst. I'm just terrified of the other possibilities. Did you know that if I have breast cancer it completely fucks up our chances of adopting??? If that happens I'm going to be a crazy cat lady. Marc brought me flowers to try to cheer me up. He's coming with me tomorrow and it means more than I can say. How this wonderful healthy man got mixed up with fucked up me I'll never know but he must have pissed someone off in a previous life. He made me a wonderful dinner with a beautiful salad so I will stop feeling sorry for myself, eat some dinner, drink myself into oblivion and deal with this tomorrow. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's tomorrow and they have squeezed my tits to about an inch, poured goo on them and rubbed it around with a big wand and I'm fine. It was probably just a cyst. I left a message for my doctor. Lady who answers the phone asked what the call was in reference to and I told her that I am one pissed off patient and I want a call back. You see, what started all of this loveliness was one of her staff members. On the way home yesterday, my cell starts to ring so I answer it. I hear "Hi Julie, this is stupid cunt from Dr. R's office, I thought I should give you call because I'm a breast cancer survivor myself". WHAT THE FUCK????? I kept saying "excuse me?". I couldn't hear her telling me that it was probably nothing, probably just a cyst because I had "I'm a cancer survivor myself" ringing in my head. I'm also pissed that, if there was a problem, she should have called me herself, not had that idiot call me.

8 comments:

  1. First, I'm so relieved for you and second, how dare that woman tell you, in one breath, that you're to be grouped with the "survivors" and in the second, that you probably have nothing to worry about. I know that she was probably trying to be supportive, but that's just wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Julie - I am so sorry for the hell you had to go through yesterday and today. You don't deserve any of this! She should never have spoken to you that way and I hope you are able to speak with the Dr. and lay it all out there. I am so relieved to hear it ended up being nothing!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a dumbass...Well-intentioned people can be so oblivious sometimes. Glad to hear everything is alright!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sure she thought she was being supportive, but boy, what a way to sound a screeching alarm and all for nothing. I'm so glad that you are okay. Deep breath. Whew! I had a lump once, so I know just what you were going through. Speaking of which, it's time for my next mammogram . . .

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ack that's awful!! First I am sorry that you had to go through that. It sounds VERY freaky and second, what the hell did that lady mean? That is a horrible thing to say.

    I have a question. Were all those tests for you medical form for the adoption? And if they were, did you just get them done when you went in for a check-up? And what about the notary? Did you take a notary with you or how does that work? Told you I would have questions...

    ReplyDelete
  6. OMG. What a wave of emotions for you. So sorry for the whole damn experience. Scares are no good, dumb bitches at doctors offices should be shot, and glad to know your boobies are healthy.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Okay, I'm late to the game but OH MY GOD! Would you like me to shoot someone for you? I think it would probably make you feel better.

    Happy everything seems to be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so glad that the ultrasound turned out to be OK. What a scare to go through right now, just when you didn't need it.

    ReplyDelete