Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Doing the right thing... adoption wise

I've been reading blogs by adoptees lately. I'm posting this here because I don't want to take away from their feelings or thoughts. I'm not saying anyone's feelings are wrong. I'm just trying to get my head around some of them.

I don't want Dylan to ever feel anything but loved. He's not second best. He wasn't a last resort. However, there was a journey to him and part of that journey was going through infertility treatment. Marc and I always say how grateful we are for the experience of IF because it brought us to Dylan. I can't imagine my life without him. Not without a baby but without Dylan.

My whole life has been leading up to situations. Does that make sense? I feel like Gd is always giving me obstacles to help me appreciate when I'm given good relationships, jobs, etc.

Sometimes I need to let go of the fear that I will hurt Dylan in some way because he is adopted. I just need to continue to love him with all of my being.

Sorry - I was kind of going somewhere with this but it got a little goofy in the translation from heart/head to blog.


  1. Understood completely!!! I feel the same way...we definately had a bumpy road of IF that led us to Carlton and Jackson, but we were absolutely meant to go through what we did. If we didn't we would not have been brought together with our boys. Everything was aligned, perfect and meant to be!!!

    A couple weeks ago I had an appointment with a new GYN and when I was filling her in on my IVF history I told her I was so thankful that it didn't work. She was a little baffled at first and then I explained to her that had it not been for the IVF failures I would not have these amazing sons. I don't think anyone had ever put it that way to her.

  2. I’m so glad you posted this topic. I’ve been trying to work up a post myself. I agree with what you’ve said about feeling Gallo wasn’t a second choice. Not that it matters, but I actually chose adoption as a first choice. I always thought pregnancy sounded like a nightmare. I had this naïve notion that “having a baby” was easy anyway so I’d just “get to that” whenever. Infertility wasn’t on my radar.

    I attempt to read adoptee and first mother blogs to better understand their POV. However, and maybe this isn’t the right place to ask, one of the hardest things for me to grasp is how not understanding someone’s POV or asking for clarification is “not validating” that person. Say a person blogs and says they feel a certain way because of X,Y, and Z. Person says “why doesn’t anyone understand that?” So I respond something like “Wow – I didn’t think about it like that. I follow X and Z but I don’t follow Y. Tell me how your thoughts lead you to feel Y was a contributing factor.” BOOM! I’m not validating the person, I don’t “get” it, I need to go away and no one invited me to comment. I have violated the person’s rights as a human. But if I simply post “Yes, I agree with you. X, Y and Z make a perfect connection. I feel exactly the same way you do and I’m so glad you shared,” then I’m lauded as an AP who “gets it” and I’m welcome to stand around and hold hands and sing kumbaya! How on earth am I supposed to “get it” if I’m never allowed to ask questions?

    Sorry to hijack – maybe I need to get off my derrière and post on my own blog! lolol

  3. Hey, Julie. Thanks for the comment. Can't find your email link though, in response to your comment. Can you email me? pinkdevora at yahoo dot com.


  4. Zara is no more my 2nd choice child than is Mason my 3rd choice as a husband (since he was my 3rd fiance.) Sometimes life leads you to a specific path for a reason and it isn't about consolation prizes. It is about catching the brass ring.

  5. Foxxy,
    hi. You're blog comes highly recommended. I can see why. I'm a father of two - our son is originally from Siberia. Our daughter from Kazakhstan, so I know wherefrom you speak. I atually just published a book about my wife's and my journey through infertility and adoption, and I'm adittedly trying to get word out. If you're at all interested in a male take, please come check it out, with all appropriate links, at

    I'd be most interested in your opinion.

    All best to you and your readers.

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  7. I'm sorry - random stranger here. I came across your blog in a search - and I felt I had to leave a comment - you see, my adopted son Jacob was born December 7, 2005. He came to us after 2 or 3 years of infertility. The timing was just too coincidental to ignore. I hope you don't mind, I've added you to my faves.