Trying to resolve the past and look to the future... all without losing my mind

My beloved sister who I love with every part of my being asked me to do something. She wanted to do a grandchildren portrait for my Mom for Mother's Day. Ohhhh, what a fun idea! Then I realize, that means my brother's (the one we're in reunion with) would be included. Not that they shouldn't be. It's been over two years they've been in our lives and while we are still not good enough to celebrate their children's birthdays with them (it would upset my SIL's parents I guess), my mother would move the moon and stars for them.

Because it was my sister who asked, I agreed. I then bawled my eyes out. My heart aching with the knowledge that this is something my father would have loved but will never be part of. Not by his choice either. Oh, and I still have a hard time looking at the youngest because he looks exactly like my father.

I have to figure out how to forgive him. I really want to but every time I go down that road, so many issues pop up in my path, blocking that road.

I guess I'm glad it was my SIL. She's easier for me to take for some reason. The kids were amazing and my Mom is going to plotz when she sees the portrait we had done. The kids were all so well behaved (mine being the most photogentic ~preen~) and I even ordered some for myself. It's going to take work but my goal is to have them on display by Dylan's birthday.