Stomach in yummy knots

My stomach is all kinds of turned around, upside down, twisting, turning, churning in happy glee. I just spoke w/the senior home study social worker who has been on maternity leave since we begun this process. She's as super cool as Social Worker "S" and Social Worker "L". I faxed her over the last of my home study paperwork and she said she would be sending a notarized copy to INS by Wednesday. Hopefully, they will have it by Friday and we will have begun the next stage of our adoption process. WWWHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE

Hear that???

Silence. Marc's Dad, Stepmom & Brothers stayed with us this weekend. It was noisy in the house for the first time. I absolutely loved it! It's the sounds of things to come. Hopefully, by the end of the year, my house will be noisy non-stop. The sounds of our son, our families visiting our son will fill our home. My brother-in-law & sister-in-law's wedding reception was this weekend at the Zoo. I have to say, they did a beautiful job. We had so much fun dancing among the animals. The band was wonderful. The food was fun (hamburgers, hot dogs, bbq chicken, ice cream & watermelon). The wine flowed freely which just made me want to dance in the fountain but no one would dance with me. I wasn't hammer but apparently if someone wants to dance in a fountain, everyone will assume that you were. Nope, I'd dance in that beautiful fountain sober too. I need to call the doctor's office. We STILL haven't received the medical report. We need the medical report to get the home study completed. AAACCCKKK!!!

Being Overwhelmed (happily)

Have you ever just been going about your day and then all of a sudden you get this incredibly overwhelming feeling of love. At the same moment your significant other pops into your mind. That's how I feel right this moment. I just thought about seeing Marc tonight and my heart just swelled in my chest. I can't wait to see him. I just saw him in the gym this morning but it seems like it was ages ago. I miss him. I want to hug him and kiss him and hold him. We've been married 3 1/2 years and I'm still honeymoon crazy in love with him. Have a wonderful weekend. As long as I'm with My Love, I know I will.

All right people....

Let me remind you of my friend Heather (http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/05/we-interrupt-your-regularly-scheduled.html). Heather is riding in the Race for Roses and is trying to raise money for cancer research through the Lance Armstrong foundation. ________________________________________ Ok, beg-a-thon is now over. Well, my brother-in-law got married this past Thanksgiving in St. Thomas. This weekend is the reception for the rest of the world (300 people!) at the zoo. My father-in-law, his wife and there two kids are staying with us. They got in at 1:30 this morning and I, of course, woke up for all of 2 seconds. I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed this morning and make a spin class. This is after taking a kick ass yoga class on Wednesday and lifting (upper body) yesterdya. Needless to say I'm a big bruise and I'm looking forward to taking the weekend off from fitness. Have a groovy weekend and hopefully I have some stories of people getting drunk and stupid come Monday.

~sigh~ I Love That Man of Mine!

It was a crazy weekend. Marc had to work on Saturday to take care of some loose ends around the office. I painted the closet in the baby's room (I love saying that). I also painted our bathroom. Sunday we went to a bbq so yesterday we had a ton of work to do in the house. Marc put in the closet organizer. It took him 8 hours to do (this was NOT as simple as they made it out to be) but it looks amazing. My parents came over and were duly impressed as well. I promise to post pics of the closet as soon as I can. While he was working on the closet, I mowed the lawn for the first time. My hands are killing me today from the vibrations of the lawn mower. It doesn't look as good as when he does it but at least it's done. Marc's father, step mother & step brothers are coming in for Adam's (Marc's brother) wedding reception. Adam was married in November and the reception is this weekend at the zoo. His father and crew are staying with us. YaY! 2 teenagers in the house. I can't wait! His little (11 & 15) brothers are adorable and I can't wait to see them. His Dad and Step Mom are very sweet and it will be nice to have them around. ****** Oh - look out below! I broke 10,000 hits on my blog. I feel so loved! ******

YaY, it's the weekend!!!!

And we almost have everything together for the home study! All we really need now is the medical report which the doctor said he'd mail out no later than Tuesday. Once that is done, we just have to review the report and then S will send it off to INS so they can issue our appointment for fingerprinting. I think once that comes back ok (which it will), we can get our referral!!! AAAACCCCKKKKK!!! I know we have a few more things to do for the dossier. So much to do this weekend. Marc has some work to do so he's going to stay in town tomorrow and I'm going to go home, paint the closet again in the baby's room (the wall just sucked up the paint) and I'm going to paint our bathroom. If I can remember, I'll do before and after pics. We have a BBQ on Sunday and my parents are coming over on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!

The Stalker

Why are you following me? You look over and smile and I think to myself "what the fuck is a pregnant woman doing in a smokey bar". As you walk by me you say to yourself (outloud) "guess I'm the only pregnant woman in here". What? Mocking me are you? You want to take this outside? You walk away and I am saved from beating a pregnant woman in the middle of a bar. I sit at the bar, chatting with my darling husband and the super cool radio DJ's that allowed us to come to this shindig and decide it's time to go to the ladies room. I wander around until I'm told that it's upstairs. I go up the flight of stairs, into the ladies room and take care of business. I walk out and there's my stalker walking into the ladies' room. I immediate begin to wash my hands and avoid any eye contact and she says to me "scary up here isn't it?" I grab a few paper towels, smile and walk out of the ladies room. You have no idea how scary it is sister, no idea. We watch Lost in a smoky bar for 2 hours . I don't know why I cried when the baby was taken by the French woman. It really bothered me. We head home, the stalker left far behind. In the mail we had gotten a note. On the front of the card is a picture of a beautiful baby smiling from ear to ear. Inside was a heart wrenching note from the parents who had lost their 8 month old daughter a few months back (see http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/03/and-ride-comes-to-screeching-halt.html and http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/04/warning-very-sad-post.html). I cried and then I put the photograph on our mantel. I got my period about 5 days early and I'm an emotional wreck. I really just feel like laying in bed and sleeping but I can't. I'm at work.

We are out of the closet!

I decided to put our pic on the blog so you can see our silly faces. We were very happy after many Marc-O-Rita's at our friends Lori & Andy's house on New Year's Eve. I love this picture because we are happy and I love to see my Sweetie's beautiful smile.

Note to Self

Taking a spin class in the morning and having sex with the husband that night is probably not a good idea. Walking funny today (but wearing a huge smile). Sorry if you feel that was TMI but it's my blog and I can brag if I wanna! Still waiting to hear back on the home study. I don't know if she is waiting for the few final documents from us or not. I just dropped her an email today so I'm sure I'll hear back soon.

~sigh~ It's Monday

And I'm already wishing for the weekend. I love my company. Instead of the usual "call 400 customers and sell a million dollars worth of product" my company recognizes that most of us will be in vacation mode and sent out an email stating "the office will close at 2pm on Friday, have a great holiday!" We have planned to have no plans this weekend. We'll see how that works out. I still have to do another layer of paint in the baby's closet because the wall just sucked up the first coat (I know, I know, we should have primed it). Then Marc (who told me that we should prime the wall first and I didn't listen to him) is going to build the closet organizer. While he's doing that, I'm going to be painting our master bathroom the prettiest shade of periwinkle blue. More paperwork being done. Joelle's referral got lost in the mail and she has to redo it. She's such a sweetie. We saw her perform yesterday at my old Synagogue. OMG this little girl has a super big voice. She was having such a good time performing we couldn't help but have a great time listening to her. Well, back to the grind. Oh, and please check my last post and donate, if you can, to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Heather is doing all the work, all you have to do is donate some money.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program, To Bring You This VERY Important Message

from my friend Heather...... I am writing this letter to invite you to help people with cancer and their families, LIVE STRONG! Last year I decided that I needed to join the fight against cancer. Cancer has affected me throughout my life as I am sure it has affected most of you in some way or another. I made this decision because my mother is a two-year survivor of breast cancer and I had a brother who died of cancer called neuroblastoma. For me, finding out my mom had breast cancer was very frightening. I was with her during the visits to the doctor, her surgery, and her radiation treatments. Thankfully, we are able to celebrate the fact that the doctor removed all the cancer and that she is going to be fine. It has been two year and she is still cancer free. As for my brother, I have no memory of what my family went though. I was born the year after he died. He had a rare childhood cancer called neuroblastoma that has recently received national coverage thanks to Alexandra Scott and Alex's Lemonade Stand. Alex and my brother Scott had the same type of cancer. Scott unfortunately did not live as long as Alex, Scott was 23 months when he died Alex was 10 years old. While I never knew him, he has always been a part of my life. I have come to know the challenges that my parents and sister went through during his illness and the people that they met and supported them. In October 2004, I met a new challenge: I rode in the Bristol Myers Squibb Tour of Hope, which benefits the Lance Armstrong Foundation. This is a ride between Los Angeles and Washington, D.C. I joined the Tour on the last leg into Washington. It was very emotional for me to ride up to the point where we met the national riders and see people from all over the country unite for one cause to help raise money for cancer. As we started that last leg, we were greeted by a large number of people holding signs thanking us for our efforts in fighting cancer. It made me realize that I was making a difference in many of these people's lives. We rode as one massive group to help fight cancer, to help fund cancer education and to support people with cancer. I am asking you to help me raise money this year because I am riding in the Ride for the Roses, part of the Lance Armstrong Foundation's Peloton Project in Austin, TX in October. The Peloton Project is the Lance Armstrong Foundation's major grassroots fundraising initiative that brings together a diverse group of volunteers' dedicated to helping people living with cancer live strong. My goal for 2005 is to raise $10,000 for the foundation. I will pay all my expenses to and from Austin. All money I collect will go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. I ask that you sponsor me by contributing to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. You can send your contribution to me (made payable to the Lance Armstrong Foundation) at 300 S. Lenola Road, Maple Shade, NJ 08052 or visit that Foundation web site at http://tinyurl.com/d7g6u to put your contribution on your credit card. Thank you for your help in supporting the efforts of the Lance Armstrong Foundation to help people with cancer, and their families, LIVE STRONG! Heather Garnick P.S. Please forward this email on to all those people you know that are affected by cancer, everyone can help LIVE STRONG!

Fighting my inner demons

We all have them. For some people it's drugs, for other people it's alcohol, for me it's my weight loss. After going through fertility treatments I have gained about 12lbs (which, in the fertility treatment world, that's pretty low). I noticed that even though I am doing Weight Watchers and I'm in the gym 6 days a week, I haven't lost. So I go to the doctors because I'm convinced that those evil drugs fucked up my thyroid. My doctor explains that it could take up to 6 months to get those nasty drugs out of my system but she checks my thyroid just to be sure. Nope, not my thyroid. Then, this past weekend, I get a fitness assessment done and I'm told that my cardio range is on the poor side. In response to this information I take, keep up and complete a spin class on Monday (fuck you trainer guy). Yesterday, I get to the gym and get onto the elliptical machine. I'm peddling along and I hear my brain say "Hey, you are taking yoga tonight, you really don't have to kill yourself here". Other side of the brain responds "Um, yes you do - your cardio sucks remember?" Then, the one man I can't argue with, Will Smith, pops up with his new video "Switch" and it's all over. Will looks at me as the video is starting and says "get that ass going girl". So away the feet go (with the hill climb program on the elliptical) and I'm just jamming away. The next few videos rocked as well and just kept pushing. The whole time my brain was fighting. When I finished I realized that my heart rate was up higher than it's been in ages. Last night I took a yoga class. They keep the class pretty warm (not as warm as bikram but close). I was sweating my ass off. My brain was fighting again (and if you two don't cut it out I will be forced to separate you!) but the good side kept winning and I kept pushing. I got on the scale this morning and half way through the week, I'm already down 2 pounds. I guess it's time to come clean.... I haven't been pushing myself hard enough. Just showing up at the gym isn't enough. I have to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I have to get super sweaty and gross and not be able to talk because I am working so hard. Maybe if I keep this up, I will actually get to goal by the end of the year (20lbs away).

Still learning the blogging process..

I wrote something, decided I didn't want it posted and deleted it and then I had this huge hole on my blog so I just thought I'd ramble a bit to fill up the space. Sawry!

Nothing new to report so....

I was just wondering. What are your favorite blogs (besides mine of course). I read about 28 blogs right now and want to read more. Doesn't have to be infertility or adoption. Give me your best url's! _______ Please check out all of the new fabulous blogs I've added to my list. I've been very lax lately about adding them (sorry fellow bloggers!).

Attention Bible Thumpers...

Don't bother posting your comments here - they will only be deleted. I have no respect for you or what you have to say.

Wholly Smokes! What was I thinking!

Over the weekend I did a fitness assessment. The trainer who did my assessment said that my strength is in the "excellent" range but my cardio was the pits. So what do I do?? I took a spin class this morning. OH MY POOR COOTER! Now I know why I didn't take any spin classes while going through fertility treatments. That would definitely have sent me right over the edge. For anyone who doesn't know what spinning is, it's an intense cardio workout on a stationary bike in a dark room with thumping music blasting and black lights. I have decided to do 2 classes a week. 2 classes a week should definitely get my cardio range up. Now, what I don't understand is, most people with a poor/fair cardio range should not be able to keep up in that class. I kept up quite well. The only reason I had to slow down at the end was not because I was out of breath or too tired, it's because my cooter was screaming at me to stop. So, to the trainer who told me that my cardio sucked - fuck you (said nicely since he's generally a good guy). ----------------------------------------- We worked on the baby's room this weekend. Marc took out the shelf and the pole in the closet and ripped the stuff off the wall. I spackled and painted the woodwork. Some point between now and next weekend we will sand down the spackled areas, paint the closet and build the organizer (ok, Marc will build the organizer). ----------------------------------------- Congrats to Cecily on getting her dream home. May it be filled with love and laugher.

Spoke with the doctor (and update on the paperwork)

I spoke with my gynocologist about her nurse. Turns out, it's a nurse that I (normally) think very highly of. She doesn't know why the nurse would have said that to me and will discuss it with her today. So, I got the medical report back in the mail from my new physician and I also got a lovely letter from our VP of Finance confirming that I am employee "in good standing". Moving right along :)

FUCK YOU GOD!

It is 8 pm on Wed night. I just got off the phone w/the imaging center. They are squeezing me in tomorrow a.m. You see, they found two "nodes" in my left breast and just have to be sure it's nothing. "It's probably only a cyst". That's what they said. By the time you read this, I will have answers. I can't post this on my blog before I have answers. I don't know if my Mom reads my blog or not but this is not the way to find out that my first mamogram was also my first breast cancer scare. I needed to write because I'm so fucking scared. I feel so alone. I just walked with 45,000 women who have, in some way, been touched by breast cancer yet I feel like the only person in the world to have an abnormal mamogram. I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING. I know it's probably just a cyst. I'm just terrified of the other possibilities. Did you know that if I have breast cancer it completely fucks up our chances of adopting??? If that happens I'm going to be a crazy cat lady. Marc brought me flowers to try to cheer me up. He's coming with me tomorrow and it means more than I can say. How this wonderful healthy man got mixed up with fucked up me I'll never know but he must have pissed someone off in a previous life. He made me a wonderful dinner with a beautiful salad so I will stop feeling sorry for myself, eat some dinner, drink myself into oblivion and deal with this tomorrow. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's tomorrow and they have squeezed my tits to about an inch, poured goo on them and rubbed it around with a big wand and I'm fine. It was probably just a cyst. I left a message for my doctor. Lady who answers the phone asked what the call was in reference to and I told her that I am one pissed off patient and I want a call back. You see, what started all of this loveliness was one of her staff members. On the way home yesterday, my cell starts to ring so I answer it. I hear "Hi Julie, this is stupid cunt from Dr. R's office, I thought I should give you call because I'm a breast cancer survivor myself". WHAT THE FUCK????? I kept saying "excuse me?". I couldn't hear her telling me that it was probably nothing, probably just a cyst because I had "I'm a cancer survivor myself" ringing in my head. I'm also pissed that, if there was a problem, she should have called me herself, not had that idiot call me.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Last night I go and get my very first mamogram. Ladies, if you have been putting if off, cut that shit out. It doesn't hurt, it's uncomfortable and they put these really cool stickers on your nipples. Ok, so I get my tits squashed the least my gyno can do is read the fucking report! I called this afternoon and was told that the results weren't in, then I called the imaging center, they faxed them at 8am. Called the gyno's office was told they never received them, called the imaging center and asked them to refax. Call the gyno's office, gyno is gone for the day, never reviewed them, will be seeing patients all day tomorrow so probably won't have a chance to read them tomorrow either so I'm looking at a Friday phone call. Ok, bitching done. Things to be thankful for... 1. Home Equity Loan has come through for the adoption. 2. I had my very first (and probably only) HIV test and it was, of course, negative. 3. My hepatitis B came back with no antibodies which is good because it means I've never had it but it's bad because it means I'm at risk to get it but unless I'm working in healthcare or childcare it's not a concern. 4. My cholesterol is fucking amazing. Only 156 (88 good 68 bad). The doctor said that even though I haven't been losing weight, it's obvious that my working out has paid off.

WWWWWHHHHHHEEEEEEEE

We had our home study on Saturday. Is it wrong that I adore the social worker who is doing our home study? She is so kind and so funny. I really get the feeling of "I want to give you a baby as much as to you want one... I just have to make sure that you are not psycho killers first". We had to agree not to use corporal punishment. No problemo! Marc was kidding around with her and asked her if duct tape was ok. She laughed. I told Marc that duct tape is out these days, masking tape is the way to go. Again, she laughed. She liked the house and approved of our plans for the nursery. Agreed that my Mom's idea to do a closet organizer and curtains over the closet instead of doors works well in the room. She said that it takes about a week or so to write up the report. She has to run it by a few people and then she will send it up to INS for our I600-A. Oh, and the best news.... we don't' have to write the autobiography. She has enough information about the two of us that she doesn't feel it's necessary and most people don't do them anyway. Went today for my physical. You meet the greatest people in the craziest of places. I couldn't stand my old primary doctor. Half the time you saw her nurse practitioner and that was after waiting 2 hours or more. I got a recommendation from my gynecologist. My new doctor is Puerto Rican and her husband..... IS GUATEMALAN! How fucking cool is that? She was very excited for us and gave me some interesting recommendations that I don't think I would have gotten from anyone else. She suggested that we get immunization against hepatitis A because it's very prevalent in Guatemala. Also did a TB test on me so that in case anything does happen when we are down there, we will know for sure that I was negative before the trip. Marc is making his appointment for a physical today. Moving right along :)

Back On Track

Whew. I spoke with Officer Rayma. She was just lovely. Apparently our birth & marriage certificates were not with the application so she just needs some more copies. No biggie, Marc is throwing the in the mail today. She said that once she gets the home study she'll set up our appointments for fingerprints. Moving right along do do do do do do foot loose and fancy free... getting there is half the fun come share it with me.

Our little coaster hit a bump...

And the car comes to a halt because of a little bump on the tracks. We got a letter from the Department of National Security (or some crazy shit like that) that says that we didn't include the birth & marriage certificate (we included a copy - guess the rules have changed and we need an original). So Marc will be mailing out the certified birth & marriage certificates today. Why is it a bump, well, on the letter they sent us they said that it's taking 10 weeks to clear people through this part of the process. 10 WEEKS! That's like more than 3 fucking months people. Repeating to myself "sometimes life doesn't happen on your schedule, sometimes life happens on other people's schedule and there really isn't anything we can do about it so we have to try not to stress out too much". Maybe if I keep saying this enough (my version of the Serenity Prayer) I will really believe it and be able to relax a bit. On to something happy then... I had a date last night :) Marc and I finished up a lot of the house for the home study so we were able to go out and play a little last night. We went to get his Comics (Wednesday is new comic day) and then walked down the street to eat dinner. Had a very yummy watermelon margarita and a Cuban sandwich. MMMMMMMM There goes my weight watcher points right out the window.

A correction and some silliness

First, the correction... Yesterday's post about our lovely bloger over at Inward Musing was a bit premature. Her clearance is to go visit her son. Unfortunately, she's not quite at the point where she can bring him home but she will be able to go and hold him in her arms for the first time. Have a wonderful trip my friend :) Now, the silliness. Last night my darling husband made me a wonderful dinner of turkey chili, oven baked fries and a lovely salad. After we had eaten dinner and cleared the table we relaxed for a bit. Now, I was ready for dessert. Luckily for me... so was Marc. I asked him what we had and he rattled off the list of various light ice creams that we had in the freezer. He asked me which one I'd want and I told him to surprise me. He says ok and walks into the kitchen. Now, I'm just sitting on the sofa, watching TV when he comes running (full force) back into the room and screams "SURPRISE" at the top of his lungs. I just about 30 feet and looked at him like he was insane and he said.... "You told me to surprise you". I almost pee'd myself I was laughing so hard. Yes, I Love That Man Of Mine!

Woo Hoo! Say a little prayer

For my friend over at Inward Musings http://stilhoping12.blogspot.com/. DNA has been approved and she is leaving shortly to bring home her beautiful little son. I cried when I read her post. Her son is coming home. She's going to be a fantastic mother and her husband will be a great Dad. Good luck to you and G-d speed!

So very nice...

I spoke with our Adoption Coordinator's assistant yesterday. The Lovely Connie. Just clarifying a few questions I had. What is this I-797C form (it comes autmatically from the Government after the I600-A gets taken care of)? Is the background check mentioned on the checklist the same one as done by the home study people (yes)? Are the three personal references the same as the ones for the home study (yes)? Whew!

A Story That Everyone Should Read

A special Thank You to Princess M (my sister) for forwarding this beautiful story to me. -------- REMEMBER THE HOLOCAUST - IT HAPPENED!Now a touching story in memory of the holocaust.....The Schindler no one knewIrena Sendler rescued 2,500 children from the Nazi death camps. Her story, writes Marti Attoun in Ladies' Home Journal, was rescued by three Kansas teens.Irena Sendler keeps a photo of "her Kansas girls" on the bedside table in her nursing-home room in Warsaw, Poland. She rests easier now that her story is in good hands. And her story is astounding, as awe-inspiring as that of Oskar Schindler, whose courageous acts of Nazi resistance became a book and an Academy Award-winning film. But unlike Schindler, who received international acclaim, Sendler had been a footnote in history for nearly 60 years.That all changed in September 1999, when three teenagers in a smalltown in Kansas were looking for a topic for a history project andstumbled upon a short mention of Sendler in an article in a 5-year-oldnewsmagazine. As a Catholic social worker, the article said, Sendler had organized the rescue of 2,500 Jewish babies and children from the Nazi-controlled Warsaw ghetto in 1942 and 1943. "We thought it was a typo," recalls Elizabeth Cambers, now 18 and a college freshman. "We thought it was supposed to say she rescued 250 children, not 2,500." In September 1939, when the Nazis invaded Poland, Sendler was a 29-year-old social worker employed by Warsaw's social-welfare department. An only child, she had been just 7 when her father, a Catholic doctor, contracted typhus and died after treating Jews during a 1917 typhus outbreak. But she never forgot his sacrifice. "I was taught that if a man is drowning, it is irrelevant what is his religion or nationality," Sendler has said. "One must help him. It is a need of the heart." In the fall of 1940, Sendler watched as the Nazis forced 350,000 Jews inside the Warsaw ghetto, a 16-square-block area that was walled off and guarded. With each passing month of the war, the torment of the people locked inside intensified. They were dying of starvation and disease while unknowingly waiting for the Nazis to herd them into freight cars that would ultimately take them to their deaths in the gas chambers. Sendler joined Zegota, the code name for the Council for Aid to Jews in Occupied Poland, an underground network founded in December 1942 by psychologist Adolf Berman and six other prominent scholars, religious leaders, and social activists. The secret organization, which forged thousands of birth certificates and other documents to give Jews safe Aryan identities, asked Sendler to head up their operation to smuggle Jewish children out of the Warsaw ghetto. But first she had to get inside. Because the Nazis were on guard against the spread of infections, they allowed the delivery of medicine inside the Ghetto. A Zegota member working inside the Polish disease department forged a permit that allowed Sendler to work undercover as a nurse inside the ghetto. Her code name was Jolanta. With the help of 10 "messenger friends," as Sendler called her colleagues, and dozens of volunteers, she organized the effort to sneak the children to orphanages, convents, and private homes in the Warsaw region. Children who were old enough to talk were taught to rattle off Christian prayers and mimic other religious behavior (such as how to make the sign of the cross) so they could live safely without arousing suspicion of their Jewish heritage. Sendler and Zegota devised several routes for smuggling children out of the ghetto. Kids escaped on foot or in the arms of volunteers through sewer pipes or basements with underground passageways. Many also escaped through the courthouse, which had entrances on both the ghetto side and Aryan side. Other methods were more inventive. For instance, a trolley driver and Zegota member, when crossing from the ghetto to the Aryan side, hid little ones in trunks, suitcases, or sacks under his back-seat, where the Nazi guards could not see. Another supporter, an ambulance driver, kept his dog beside him in the front seat and trained him to bark to camouflage any cries or noises from the babies hidden under stretchers in back. Sendler also arranged for babies and children to be sedated and smuggled out with merchants in potato sacks, under their loads of goods. Sometimes, she even sneaked sedated children out in body bags, telling the guards that they were dead. Day after day, for about 16 months, Sendler persuaded parents and grandparents to hand over their babies and children, to give them a if chance to live. "There were terrible scenes," Sendler says. "One mother I wanted a child to leave the ghetto while the father did not. The grandma wanted, the husband did not. They asked what was the guarantee? What kind of guarantee could I give them?" She couldn't even guarantee that she could get past the guards. On slips of tissue paper, Sendler recorded the identity of every child she rescued. Whenever possible, she wrote down the child's Jewish name as well as the child's new Christian name and new address. Sendler buried these names in jars under an apple tree in a friend's garden. After the war, Sendler hoped, the children would be located and their Jewish identities revealed to them. On Oct. 20, 1943, the Gestapo arrested Sendler. They had long suspected she was running a smuggling operation, and one of hermessengers had been caught and tortured until she gave up Sendler's name and home address. The Gestapo interrogated Sendler, demanding information about the identities of the other rescuers and the children in hiding. But she refused to talk, even when she was beaten until her legs and feet were broken. "I was quiet as a mouse," Sendler has said. "I would have rather died than disclose anything about our operations." She was then taken to Pawiak prison, where she was sentenced to be executed. At the last minute, however, the woman who had rescued so many others was herself rescued. On the day she was to be executed, Zegota paid a hefty bribe to a guard, who allowed Sendler to escape. The guard subsequently posted Sendler's name on public bulletin boards as one of the executed, essentially rendering her invisible to the Nazis. She then went into hiding in Poland, just like the children she'd saved. When Poland was liberated a year and three months later, in January 1945, Sendler returned to the friend's garden and dug up the jars. She turned over the rescued children's names to Zegota's Berman, and he and other members of the group tried to locate the children's foster families. Sadly, most of the children had no parents or grandparents to be found. Less than 1 percent of the Jews inside the ghetto survived the war, most having perished at the Treblinka death camp in northeast Poland. After the war, Sendler married, raised two children of her own, and continued her career as a social worker in Warsaw. The beatings she had suffered at the hands of the Gestapo left her permanently disabled, and she has had trouble walking ever since. But she never talked openly about her rescue work. Poland was under a communist regime, and the postwar climate wasn't safe. For almost 60 years, her story was essentially lost to history. Then, in March 2000, she received a letter from Elizabeth Cambers and two of her classmates at Uniontown High School in Uniontown, Kan. Encouraged by their social studies teacher, the girls had selected Sendler as the subject of their National History Day project, and though information about her was scarce, they had been able to write a 10-minute play, titled Life in a Jar, that had already won first place at the state level of the national contest."We explained who we were and what we were doing," says Sabrina Coons, now 20 and a student at Kansas State University. "We told her that we found her story amazing." Sendler's response, handwritten in Polish, arrived in Kansas three weeks later. "I am very eager to receive and read your play," Sendler wrote. In a series of letters, Sendler answered the students' questions, and slowly the details of her remarkable story unfolded; an international friendship was forged. After an emotional performance of Life in a Jar at Uniontown High, the students were invited to perform the play for church groups, nursing homes, and civic organizations throughout southeast Kansas. Through their correspondence with Sendler, the teens learned that she lived quite meagerly. So at each performance, they set out a donation jar. Their first gift to Sendler was $3, which they told her to use for postage. "We found out later that she gave the $3 away to a children's home," says Coons. "That's just how she is." Although the girls didn't win any awards when they traveled toMaryland in June 2000 to compete in the national contest, their play gained national and international attention, and the students have since given more than 100 performances of the play in eight different states.As a result, Sendler has received numerous awards for her courageous work. After learning she was to be given a $10,000 humanitarian award from the American Center of Polish Culture in Washington, she wrote to her girls: "My emotion is being shadowed by the fact that no one from the circle of my faithful co\workers, who constantly risked their lives, could live long enough to enjoy all the honors that now are falling upon me.... I can't find the words to thank you, my dear girls.... Before the day you have written the play Life in a Jar -- nobody in my own country and in the whole world cared about my person and my work during the war ..." One member of a Kansas City audience was so profoundly moved by Sendler's story that he raised money to send the play's three authors to Poland to meet Sendler in May 2001. "It wasn't real until I actually met Irena," says Megan Stewart. "We all ran up and hugged her. She wanted to just hold our hands and hear about our lives." Cambers told Sendler, "I love you. You are my hero." Sendler, a 4-foot-11-inch woman who now uses a wheelchair, deflected the girls' praise. "A hero is someone doing extraordinary things," she told them. "What I did was not extraordinary. It was a normal thing to do." From "The Woman Who Loved Children," Ladies' Home Journal

And we are rounding a bend

I got a very sweet email today. It read... Just wanted to introduce myself. I know you all are close to finishing up your homestudy with Cherry Hill, and that you have filed your I600A (I think). I am the person at the agency you will talk to the most once you begin your process in Guatemala, so I thought I would say hello. Give me a call when you get a chance so we can touch base. Thanks, Lisa Wow, what a nice lady! I spoke with her, at length, on the phone and she answered a ton of my questions. She said that after we get our referral it would be, approximately, 6 months to get the baby. She said that the quickest she did was 4 1/2 months and the longest was 11 months (had some issues on that one). She has never had someone not bring home a baby (let's not give us a kenohura please). She emailed me the dossier requirements and all I can say is... Yikes! Well, I know what we'll be working on this weekend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have I mentioned that Marc made a smoked turkey breast for us to have for lunch during Passover? It's so easy I thought I'd share. Now, you don't need a smoker. You can either use your gas bbq grill or you can throw together a flower pot smoker (see Alton Brown's "Q" episode on Good Eats on the Food Network on 5/25 at 10:30 a.m. and 5/26 at 2:00 p.m. - tivo it people). If you have a gas grill with at least 3 burners - just take the grill off of one side. Flip the cover on the burner over and put a smoker box (you can get them at Home Depot) and fill with either mesquite or Hickory wood chips (again, Home Depot). If you google smoked turkey you can get a couple of different brines or just put some spices on the outside and you are good to go. A turkey breast took Marc about 2 hrs and 15 minutes. Just check the wood every 1/2 hr or so. If you use the mesquite wood the flavor is just incredible. We've also done brisket & ribs this way although they take much longer to cook.

Breast Cancer Walk

My mother, sister and I are doing the 5k on Mother's Day to raise money for Breast Cancer. If you'd like to donate, our team page is http://www.doitsports.com/donations/view-pledges.tcl?txn=2591033&id=1942

Say Goodnight Gracie

That's what I've decided to name my eggs. Say goodnight, goodbye, see ya later, hasta la vista baby, it's been nice knowing ya, etc. I'm entering menopause. That's right, at the ripe old age of 37 I'm fucking old. Not just old anymore (like my kid sister always says), I'm fucking old. I saw my gynecologist today (who rocks) and told her what happened last night. That, coupled with my high FsH, leads her to believe that I have entered menopause. She has asked me to go to an internist for a full physical to confirm it (also to check the thyroid and make sure that puppy is operational). On the happy side, it was nice to see my old friends at the RE's office. The staff there has been so good to me. It was funny, I don't think that Dr. H realized who I was when she ran by me (on the way to do an HSG - poor girl) and just gave me a quick wave. I saw the two Sharrons and they were very excited when I told them about the adoption. I promised to bring our baby by when we got settled at home. Now, let me tell you about my gynecologist. She is wonderful, kind, sincere and just fucking awesome. She told me that we did everything right. That nothing we could have done would have changed our outcome. That we requested our referral for the RE in the right amount of time (6 months after we started trying to conceive), that we following all the right protocols. Nothing would have changed. I think I healed a little bit more today. It was funny, I was sitting on the table in that paper schmata they have you wear and she's getting ready to leave, turns around and says "I need to give you a hug" and gave me a big hug. She said, your choice will take a child out of poverty and give him a loving home. I'm proud of you.

Splish Splash I was Taking A Bath

No I wasn't! I was trying to sleep but I woke up drenched in sweat. Not just damp mind you, fucking dripping sweat. I went into the bathroom and the water was pouring off of me like someone had dumped a bucket over my head. That kind of sweating. Now, when I took the clomid, I got hot flashes. I woke up damp and uncomfortable and would have to turn the fan on. Last night I woke up damp and turned the fan on. A few hours later is when I woke up in this horrible state. When I took Clomid, the bed would be slightly damp as I got up but was dry by the time I returned from the bathroom. Last night there was a puddle on my side of the bed. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? I'm really starting to worry about what those drugs did to my body. Before all of this infertility crap, I got my period like clockwork. I ovulated like a champ. I was every RE dream come true. I take these drugs and all of a sudden my body is all fucked up. I'm not on schedule any more (even though I've been off the drugs for 2 months), I'm getting major night sweats, I'm not ovulating right (if at all). I really wonder if my FsH really DID shoot up that high naturally or is it all from the drugs. I have my regular gyno appointment today. I hope she has set aside a little time for me because I have every intention of picking her brain.

AAAAACCCCKKKK

Ok, that was just a little hill but scary nonetheless. We finally got our shit together and are mailing out our I600-A form (pre-approval of immigration) which comes with more fingerprinting and the Agency Agreement (whopper of a check too!). I woke up around 1:30 this morning in a panic. What if I forgot to feed the baby? How do I know when he's hungry? I'm getting a little nutty, I know this. But it really had me in a bit of a state this morning. Marc is sick. This is not normal. He never gets sick. Coughing, sneezing generally feeling shitty (with a 101 fever to boot!). He was feeling a little better today but I just hate seeing him like this. We spent the weekend doing Passover Seders. Fun huh? The first night was at my brother's house which I promptly stole Eli from his Grandfather and cuddled with him while he slept. I was in heaven. He laid across my lap for a good part of the Seder just sleeping away. Mom got a little too drunk and Princess took away the wine from her which was an absolute riot. The other two kids were a hoot. Running around being kids. I loved it. They have so much life and energy. It's amazing, the big one (4) takes such good care of his little sister (2). Making sure she keeps up with him and his little friends (my brother's business partner also has two that are 5 & 6), that no one (but him) picks on her. She has the most amazing curls I've ever seen. I could just eat the both up! I have to say, their mother is amazing. I just hope I can be as good a mom to my kid(s) as she is to hers. Not that my brother isn't a good dad.. he is an amazing dad but there is just something about the way she is with them that just awes me. The second night we went to (see if you can follow this) my mother-in-law's, gentlemen friend's (she's too old to have a boyfriend) son & daughter-in-law. They live out in bumblefuck USA but they do have a beautiful home with a private lake. It was a beautiful day (with Marc coughing and sneezing our way out there) for a drive so it was no big deal. What sucked was that the Seder was at 2pm (we originally thought it was supposed to be at 4:30) which fucked up the rest of our day. Still, it was a nice time. His son is a complete ass but his daughter-in-law is lovely. They have a beautiful Great Dane. I was joking that the dog was so big that his nephew (who was crawling across the floor and is about a year old) could ride him. He then grabs the baby off the floor and tries to put it on the dogs back. Now the dog (who is more like a pony than a dog) is jumping around trying to get at the baby, he puts the baby back on the floor and the dog almost tramples the poor kid. As I said, he's an ass. Lots of religion for a short weekend. Time to get back to work.

click, click, click, click...

The roller coaster has begun again. Marc had his interview last night which he described as the life and times of Marc crammed into an hour. He felt it went well and she even mentioned that she'd like to inspect the house next weekend (note to self - call cleaning lady and beg her to clean up next week too). I feel like things are starting to move forward again which makes me happy but I'm just not quite sure about what's around the corner (is it a big drop, a little drop, a blind curve, what??) so it's making me very apprehensive. This morning I was scratching Marc's back and found a huge lump. Scared the shit out of me. He's going to have our Sister-In-Law (who's a great doc) take a look at it. Oh, for any dieter's reading this... we discovered a new ice cream treat last night. Eskimo came out with an light Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bar which is made with splenda. If you are a weight watcher... it's only 2 points. Very small on the serving size but very creamy and tasty. I'd give it a 7 on a 1-10 scale.

Ah... Butterflies

Nope, not the pretty ones floating around outside in the beautiful spring air. I'm talking about those devil butterflies that like to reside in my tummy! Marc has his first interview with the social worker tonight. She called yesterday evening and apologized for not getting back to us sooner. She said she looked at her calendar and realized that next week was Passover and could we schedule the meeting for tonight. Of course, Marc said yes. Why am I nervous? Marc is the most incredibly fantastic man in the world. He's going to make the best Daddy in the world. She has to adore him. I guess I'm nervous because whether I like it or not... this woman is holding our future in her hands. I hated being out of control when I was dealing with my infertility (not that fertility is ever really in our control) and now I am out of control with the adoption. I actually feel more out of control with the adoption. There was much more for me to do with the infertility. I was sticking needles into my stomach and legs, going to the doctor 2x a week. In yoga class the other day, our teacher, Steve, said that sometimes we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. Not stress out our bodies and minds over things that are out of our control. He spoke of waiting for a plane and the plane was delayed. He just accepted the fact that sometimes things are on other people's schedule's and he can't change that. I guess I have to just accept the fact that this part of my life is on someone else's schedule. Today I will try to be kinder to my stomach and not let this get to me too much. (this concludes the granola crunchy part of my blog - you can stop throwing up now).

~yawn, stretch, scratch~

Good Morning World! And what a beautiful morning it is! It's supposed to get to 85 today (of course tomorrow is supposed to be 60 but who cares) and I'm feeling quite pretty in my little sundress. I went to yoga last night and Steve, the instructor, really kicked my ass. I had a harder time keeping up last night because the room was a little hotter than normal. It's really amazing what a few degrees can do to your body. I love the fact that I sweat like crazy because I feel as if I'm detoxing a bit of those fertility drugs every time I go. Hopefully my weight loss will kick back in. I have an appointment w/my regular gyno for my annual. My RE wants her to run a thyroid panel just in case. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Just take a pill and get skinny. Marc has called our social worker 3x already to schedule his appointment and hasn't heard back. I'm starting to worry.

Can you help me figure this out???

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf You are supposed to figure out what the differences are between the two pictures. ***Warning - if you are pregnant... don't help me***

Update

Well, Dad is doing great. He got out of the hospital on Friday and was even able to get to my nephew's bris. He is definately on the road to recovery. This weekend I was in Cohasset, MA for a wedding with Marc. What an incredibly beautiful place. It's on the water and just so clean and beautiful. The houses are amazing and basically start in the $500k range for a little shack no where near the water (and I thought prices were outrageous where I live!). The wedding was at the Red Lion Inn and I highly recommend it. The food was great and, from what I understand, the accomodations are lovely (we stayed about 10 minutes away). Marc has left two messages for the social worker to set up his appointment. I hope she calls back soon. I don't want anything holding us up.

My husband is just not right!

I told him that they took my father for an ultrasound because they found a hemotoma on his leg. His response... Wow, hope they don't hurt his vagina. I was crying I was laughing so hard. Only a man who has gone through the fertility wringer would think of something like that.

And the word of the day is....

SLUTPUPPET. Yep, that's what my baby sister called me today as we left the restaurant at lunch (and we tripped over each other). There was a lady standing outside the restaurant that almost died laughing. Dad is doing really well. The angioplasty went fine. In fact the doctor took us back to the lab and showed us the video of my Dad's heart during the procedure. He showed us the blockage, then what the stint looked like, then they inflated it, then they removed the catheter and then there was no blockage. It was so fucking cool! It was a riot watching my Mom and Sister torture each other today. We definitely put the fun into dysfunctional. Between my sister taking the purple surgical gloves cause she liked the color (the nurses gave her turquoise ones too), to my Mom daring my sister to ask some random guy how old he was in the restaurant. I swear they are such a trip and a half. To those of you said prayer, sent good vibes, etc... Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Keep those prayers, good thought, happy vibes

Coming. Today Dad is going in for his angeoplasty. Luckily, he only has blockage in one artery so the doctor said he would able to get out in time for the bris tomorrow. As long as all goes well today, I'm going to take a yoga class. I need the release. I didn't go to the gym this morning because I was just to fucking tired (and luckily for me... so was Marc). He ran last night (about 6 miles!) and since I am, hopefully, going to take the yoga class, we figured we could skip our usual workout.

and so it continues

First... an update on Dad. He had the cardiac catheterization done and he has an 80% blockage in one of his arteries on the left and is hypertensive on the right. They can do an angeoplasty on the artery but the hypertension is probably here to stay. It's from the COPD. The doctor said there is a chance he could be out in time for my new Nephew's bris. Let's cross our fingers cause Dad would be super upset if he had to miss it. Second... I hate assholes. More specifically gym assholes. Today is my lifting day and I was doing lower body. I get close to the end of my workout and it's time to work on my calves. I decide I'll do the seated calf lift so I go over to the machine and there is about 100lbs of weights left on it. Now, this is a common, recurring problem at my club. People don't clean up after themselves and the people who work there are too busy socializing to take care of it. I'm not about to lug 100lbs around so I just take it off the machine and leave it on the floor for the staff to take care of. So, this particular machine is fairly heavy without any weights so I do my first set without anything on the machine. I'm resting between sets and this idiot, Sam, walks up to me and says "what do you think you are doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" I reply. "It looks like you are standing in front of a machine with no weight on it" the asshole says with a very snide attitude. He looks over at the weights on the floor (he probably set the machine up for himself and went to do other things first). I told him "Yeah, some inconsiderate asshole left weights on the machine and I'm not about to lug them around". I then continued on with my workout. I hate self-absorbed people. The only thing I hate more than self-absorbed people is self-absorbed people at 6:30 in the morning!

And the Beat Goes On.....

Dad is still in the hospital. They weren't able to complete the cardiac catheterization last week because he was retaining so much fluid it caused a great deal of pressure in his heart and lungs and they just didn't want to risk it. He's having it done again today so I'm nervous as hell. I met with the social worker last night. I got there a little early. She apologized for keeping me waiting (even though she was right on time). We went into a conference room and sat down. She pulled out a few bottles of Starbucks Frappachino and a couple of cups of ice she had brought from home. How sweet is that? Basically she asked me a ton of questions about my family, childhood, education and work history. An hour and a half later.... we were done. She will be calling tomorrow night to set up Marc's appointment. So... we are moving right along. ---------------------------------------------------------- MOVIE REVIEW We saw Sin City this weekend and it was incredible. Very violent but the cinematography was incredible! It's done in black and white (like the comic book) but where the comic had flashes of color, so did the movie. Great story line and great acting. Two thumbs up!

This day blows! Part 4 (this is getting old)

Dad's still in the hospital - he has his cardiac catherization tomorrow.... my sister-in-law is in labor with baby number 3 and my brother announces that my Uncle who lives in the Dominican Republic has left his wife and is returning to the US. When you ask... Today.... what time you ask... WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! My brother seriously needs to get his head out of his ass. He knew he wouldn't be able to pick him up at the airport. My other uncle is away and my Mom needs to be with my dad so who does this all fall to? That's right boys and girls, your lucky heroine. On a brighter note, I have my first appointment to meet with the social worker from the home study agency next Tuesday. We go on Saturday to get fingerprinted.

This Day Blows! Part 3

Dad has to have the cardiac catheter. He's supposed to be having the procedure done tomorrow. They think he may have some blockage. The good news is that they may be able to take care of the blockage (if there is any) with the catheter itself so he would only have to go through an invasive procedure once. My Mom and Sister definitely changed their tune last night (Sister even complimented my shirt). Ah family. Can't live with them... can't shoot them. So I'm supposed to go to Yoga tonight w/my friend Joelle. I got up, packed my gym back, packed my yoga bag, packed our lunches, poured the coffee and out the door we ran (15 minutes behind schedule). I worked out, showered and discovered that I had left my brushes home and the shoes I brought don't really look right w/my pants (yes I look sooooo lovely today). Then, as I was throwing my gym bag into the trunk of my car, I discovered that I forgot my yoga bag. Plus, on top of all of this, I have major shin splints from walking to and from the hospital in heels yesterday. Well... at least it's sunny out right??

This Day Blows!!!! Part 2

First, and most importantly, an update on Dad. He has been admitted and they are running tests. My Mom called to say that there is a "meeting" w/the doctor and that she thinks they didn't like something on his EKG. I'm just sitting here, waiting for her to call (or for the work day to be done - whichever happens first). This sucks. I wish my Dad was healthier. **update** apparently the EKG isn't giving them enough info so they want to do a catheter. Great... just fucking great. Last time he had that done they stroked him. UUGGGH Second, and completely insignificant. I'm so tired of being the whipping post. When I went in to see my Dad last night after work I got completely bashed by my Mom and Sister. I walked into the room I said to them how unhappy I was w/the way I was looking. That I had grabbed my stuff before I left for the gym (first thing in the a.m.). Basically making it quite clear that I was very aware of the fact that I look like shit. My sister went on to rag on me about what I was wearing and my mom went on to give me shit about going to Old Navy (because I don't want to spend the $$ on clothes that I don't intend to be wearing for very long). I really felt like they were kicking me when I was down. Their answer in all this?? I had an "attitude" yesterday while we were at the hospital. Speaking of being down. What the FUCK is going on with my body. The entire time I was on clomid & the injectibles, I'd have a modest weight gain here or there. I managed to fend everything off pretty well. Now that I am off the meds my body has gone insane. I look pregnant. My stomach is very distended and my arms are really heavy. I've been off the meds for over a month now! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???????

This Day Blows!

My Mom called. My Dad is being admitted to the hospital. Apparently he has gained 40lbs in 1 month and woke up this a.m. w/a badly swollen leg. He has Cellulitis. I'm glad that it was checked by the doctor right away and I'm glad that they are admitting him (his breathing hasn't been good lately). I just wish they would find a cure for his COPD. For those of you who are smokers that are reading this - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop. Right now. Do whatever it takes to stop smoking. Seeing my Dad like this is horrible. It's from smoking... nothing else. Just those fucking cigarettes. My Mom said I don't spend much time w/them and she thinks it's because of my Dad's failing health. Maybe she's right. Maybe subconsciously I am scared to see my Dad sick (even though he's been sick more often than not for the past 10-15 years). Time for that shit to end right now.

****WARNING - VERY SAD POST*******

Please proceed with caution. This is a very sad post. Last week I posted about a friend of ours whose 8 month old daughter was very sick and in the hospital. I'm sorry to say that she passed away. The funeral is tomorrow and I just can't bring myself to go. If we were close friends of the parents, I would force myself but I just don't feel strong enough emotionally to handle it. Marc is going w/his brother. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, good thoughts, etc. to this poor poor family.

Aw, come on - the rest of you.....

Let's go - identify yourselves. Stop lurking and join the fun. I know you're out there. My counter shows many lovely people stop by but you never say hi (except Floyd... Floyd delurked). Please say hi and introduce yourself. Let me know if you have a blog - I'll add you to my list.

What's that noise?

chhhhk, chhhhk, chhhhk....(that's the sound of the car being pulled up the roller coaster, don'cha know) ... cut and paste from the email Marc sent me when I emailed him that I have heard from both the adoption agency and the home study agency and our paperwork has been received! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG (yes, I say the same thing on the rare occasion I'm really ON a real roller coaster). The crazy thing is... I have that same feeling in my throat and in my stomach. That fear coupled with joyful excitement. EEEEEKKKKKK ~quietly lifting the cover of anonymity... Hi Leigh, I see you reading my blog. hehehehehe

And now we release the break a little...

No word yet on our friend's baby but no news is good news right? Just please keep them in your prayers. Well, it's been two days since we mailed in the applications. Is it too soon for me to start bugging them??? I have so many questions I just don't even know where to start. Knowing that my future son is out there... somewhere... either about to be born or, possibly, born already. How can you love someone who you've never met? I asked myself that a thousand times as Marc and I tried to get pregnant.

And the ride comes to a screeching halt

Marc just called. His brother had gotten a call from Sam. Sam's a good friend of Marc & his brother. He called to tell us all that his friends R & V's daughter is in the ICU at the local children's hospital. She is 8 months old and had a seizure last week and it is looking very grim. There is a possibility that she is brain dead. If you are reading this, please say a prayer (good thoughts, vibes, whatever) for this baby and her family as they are living ever parent's nightmare.

Starting down the hill...

Well, we started the paperwork this weekend and are submitting our application to the adoption agency and also to the home study agency (both in one shot - not to shabby). We have ordered our birth certificates, our marriage certificate (because we have ripped the house apart and couldn't find either). We have scheduled our appointments to be fingerprinted. We have to get our physicals done and we have to start working on our autobiographies. I think if we do a paragraph or two every night (or every other night) we should have it ready by the time it's "due". G-d, I feel like I'm back in high school again. So much homework. So worried what the "teacher" will do if we don't do it correctly. Poor Marc. We had to list all of our addresses for the past 25 years for the child abuse background check. For me, it wasn't too bad, just 5 in 25 years. Marc had substantially more and can't remember a big chunk of them (from his college years). Luckily, his brother has some info so between the two of them, I do expect that the applications will being going out in today's mail. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a little sidenote here... Dr. Georgeanna Seegar Jones, who helped develop the program that led to America's first "test-tube baby," has died. She was 92. On behalf of infertiles everywhere, thank you for your groundbreaking work. Without you and the program, none of us would even have a hope.

And the world weeps...

I believe that certain people are put on this earth to make life a little better. To make people smile when they just want to cry. To make the most cynical person believe in, well, something. To sooth a broken heart or a broken leg. I've been very blessed to know a number of these people. My husband Marc for one. In high school, I had a friend like this. His name was Marc (coincidence?). He was also known as Mongo as he was a big guy. He was the class clown but incredibly intelligent too. He always knew how to make me feel better. Whether it was over a broken heart or a fight with my mother, he could always make me laugh. We lost touch after high school and through the wonders of www.classmates.com we got back in touch. We chatted via email for a few months and then this infertility crap distracted me and we lost touch again. I'd think of him from time to time, thinking I really need to drop him an email and say hi. I guess his life got in the way too. Yesterday, while cruising www.classmates.com I saw a posting entitled "Friends of Marc", I opened the link and found out that Marc had passed away six weeks ago. From what I understand, he had a massive heart attack. And the world weeps as it's lost one of it's angels on earth. Rest in Peace my friend, please rest in peace.

A stop at the top of the hill...

I pause my ride for a moment to reflect on the fact that support comes from the strangest places. I was in the gym this a.m. and talking with a new friend in the locker room. I told her that Marc and I would be adopting a baby this summer (hopefully) and I was very excited. She confided in me that she was a birth mother. She got gotten pregnant in college and chose to put the baby up for adoption. She said it was an open adoption and she gets pictures of her daughter and talks w/the parents whenever she chooses. She said that when the time comes, she will probably adopt as she feels it is the best choice for her as well (although she would go domestic). I don't know why but it makes me feel better talking to a birth mom. I told her we were doing our adoption through Guatemala and she understood our reasons. The whole experience was so positive for her. I don't know why but it really made me feel even better about doing this. Marc and I are going to start getting everything together this weekend. I can't wait! I hope it's not too hard to find all of the documents we need. I'm thinking of just ordering our birth certificates instead of trying to kill ourselves trying to find them. We have our Passports so that's one less hurdle to go through. I wish I could find some good checklist software for the palm. The software it comes with suck.

Just a quick welcome

To Leggy & Dead Bug. They are some wonderful blog ladies I've met in cyberspace. Check out their pages (listed on the left). ~waving wildly~ Hi Ladies!!

Creaking up the first hill.....

Our roller coaster ride has begun and we sit in our little car, strapped in, not really knowing how high this hill is or how fast things will go, we are just excited to be sitting in these little seats. I spoke w/the organization that does the home study last night. It doesn't seem to be as horrible an experience as I thought it may be. The lady I spoke with (who was very sweet) said that it consists of a home visit (to check out our digs), an interview with us as a couple and then an interview with each of us individually. She said the longest part of the process is the finger prints and child abuse background checks. The whole process takes anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Then we wait for our referral. I really want to take a Spanish class.

Keep your hands inside of the car at all times....

Let the new roller coaster ride begin! I called the agency to find out exactly what we need to be doing. I asked Michelle (our adoption coordinator) how long this process takes from start to finish. A year she states. A year?? Ok. Have we decided if we want domestic or international? International I tell her. Oh, well, that cuts back on the time a bit. Great! Have we decided on a country??? Guatemala I tell her. Oh, well that shortens the waiting period even longer! Do we want a boy or girl? We are leaning towards a boy if we have a choice. A boy (she excitedly exclaims), we have three right now! They are the easiest to get. Wholly shit! I have left a message for the home study people in my town. In the meantime, Michelle tells me that I can have some of the things ready for our home study to cut back on time. We need to get.... Certified Marriage Certificate Certified Birth Certificates for Marc and I 2004 Tax Return Government I600A form The names, address & phone numbers of 3 references Choose a guardian for our child She also said we will have to write an autobiography of ourselves but that the home study person would give us the outline. It's true... we COULD be parents by the end of summer! For the first time in almost a year I feel a knot in my stomach of anticipation. I know that my child has been born or is about to be. This child may not be born from my body but it will definite be born from my heart.

Ladies and Gentlemen.... It's a

Decision! That's right, we have finally made a decision. We had talked with our doctor, at length, about our options with egg donation and embryo donation. Last Thursday we went to an information meeting at Jewish Family & Children Services about adoption to understand that option. We weighed our options and have decided to be the very proud parents of an adopted child! I am just so excited that we are, again, back on track to reach our ultimate goal... to be parents. We have told our families and they are being very supportive of our decision which mean the world to us. We decided that we wanted to do international and felt that Guatemala offers us a wonderful opportunity. The children there go straight into foster care which is wonderful because they get one on one care. We would also be able to adopt a child under six months old (which you can't get in many countries). Also, the time you have to stay in the country is very short, only 3-5 days. Tomorrow I will to make arrangements to begin the process. WE have to go through a home study, get referrals from friends, employers, neighbors, relatives, etc. New exciting challenges! So, I guess this concludes my infertility blog and begins my adoption blog. Wish us luck!

The Kindness of Strangers

Never ceases to amaze me. I am on weight watchers. Have been for 2 1/2 years now. I participate in their message boards online. The one I participate in is the General Daily Thread (commonly known as the GDT) and the people who post on this board are known to be quite snarky (especially if you are new and don't take the time to learn how the board "works") and sometimes downright evil (like a man who made fun of a woman who had just suffered a miscarriage). The evil part is definitely a minority though. Today, one of our regular posters, a woman who goes by Annie2005 announced that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and was being sent in for immediate surgery. The outpouring of support for her was quite impressive. Weight watchers allows you to put approved avatars in your profile/signature. Many people have changed their avatars to include pink (they don't have one specifically for breast cancer so people have been using anything in the approved list that is pink or red). Many people have started emailing WW in hopes of getting a breast cancer awareness avatar, people have been calling WW with the same purpose. Reminders are being posted to go to the free mamogram site to click for a cure (http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites) - please bookmark this site and click daily. All in the name of Annie2005. People are offering up their bodies to the annual 5k run for breast cancer in their hometowns in her honor (and in honor/memory of their loved ones). It's so overwhelming for me. To see this outpouring of love for someone people have never met. I've felt that love through this blog and through other sites in my journey through infertility. I hope that Annie2005 can feel the love from the WW site. So Annie2005... this blog is for you. Go fight that bastard we call breast cancer. You are an amazing woman! You will beat it and we will all be anxiously awaiting your return to the GDT when we will welcome you will a hardy... STFU (shut the fuck up for all of you non-internet type people).

I'm back...

Ahhh, the adventures we had! We left home on the Friday (the day before the cruise) with a plan to stay overnight in Miami. We flew into Ft. Lauderdale and planned to take a "shared ride" into Miami (a taxi you share with other people). Well, we were late getting in because our connecting flight was delayed. We waited for the shared ride and it was determined that we would be one of the last people dropped off. No biggie. We dropped off a bunch of people around South Beach. Wholly shit! I've never been there before and it's beautiful! Great Art Deco architecture, beautiful people, just amazing. I was so excited! Then... we head off to our hotel. When we stopped I was very nervous. This couldn't be our stop could it?? Yep, it was. So we got our luggage out of the taxi and walked by the scary individuals smoking outside of our hotel. The hotel itself was ok, the rooms were small (bathroom was the smallest bathroom I've ever seen) and it was fine for just one night. At this point it's midnight and we are starving so we head off to find food (the hotel recommended a place right around the corner - a Cuban cafe we were told). We are walking through this very sketchy neighborhood and come across this "Cuban Cafe". It was on the corner, had no walls on the sides, just a lunch counter and stools. I had my first Cuban Sandwich and it was incredible. Marc had the Cheeseburger Deluxe (made with shredded lettuce, tomato, ketchup and potato sticks). While we are eating, the police are stopping by for Cuban coffee. It was hysterical. The next day we ran around buying last minute things we forgot and boarded about:00 p.m. Boarding was a very simple process and then we headed off to our room. It was beautiful! We had an oceanview suite with a private balcony. We then met up with our friends which was wonderful because we haven't seen them in ages. It was nice going with 3 other couples because we got a table all to ourselves. Marc and I (the lushes in the group) got the wine plan and bought 10 bottles of wine for our 7 day cruise (way too much). A few people in our group shared our wine (which was great because we bought too much). Had a wonderful waiter and wonderful food. Our first stop was in Labadi which is a private island off the coast of Haiti. Marc and I got separated from our group (unfortunately) and just hung out on the beach and relaxed (fortunately). Our next stop was in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. We did the Green Grotto Caves which is a maze of caves with a great deal of interesting history, underground water sources, etc. It was beautiful! We then went on to Dunns River Falls. The bus drops you off at the top of the falls, you walk down to the bottom and climb up the falls through the water. We were very glad to have our water sneakers. It was a great workout and a ton of fun. The water was crystal clear and the people who run the falls go around with wire brushes and brush the algae off the stones to make them less slippery (great idea huh). Next was Georgetown, Grand Cayman (my favorite excursion of the trip). We left the ship and went on a short boatride out to a reef where we went snorkeling. The leader of the trip dove down to the reef with bait and lured out a 4 to 5 foot moray eel. It was incredible! We swam around for quite some time and then we were all brought back into the boat. We then moved on to Sting Ray City. What an experience!! It's a sandbar in the middle of the ocean that fishermen used to throw their scraps. Because it's behind the reef (land side) it has drawn many stingray and has become a protected habitat for them. You can feed them, touch them, hold them... you can even kiss them for good luck. I was giggling like a little kid the whole time. They are such beautiful and graceful creatures. They "fly" through the water and, if you get on your knees, will just sail into your arms and let you hold them. What an amazing experience! Our final stop was Cozumel, Mexico. Very touristy (at least where we were) and we ended up getting to our bus late because of docking issues with the boat. We all boarded our bus (I got a seat right behind the driver - I don't do well on buses) and was told that it was a long 45 minute ride to Tulum (the Myain ruins) so we would be making a rest stop (read - kick back shopping stop). We were stuck at this little shopping area for about half hour to forty-five minutes. We finally get to Tulum and we are told that the ruins are a 20 minute/half mile walk or... we could take the trolley for $2. So, the bus decides to do the trolley. We get to the ruins are we are told there is a $4 fee for video taping inside the ruins. We get the receipt and it was $3. Our driver took a bit for himself (which cut into his tip). Our driver was very knowledgeable about the ruins but was a bit too long winded and we ended up having about 10-15 minutes to just wander on our own. Marc and I did manage to grab a few beers for the ride to our next stop (which was a good thing). We all got on the bus in our original seats (Marc and I behind the driver). We are driving down the highway (2 lanes in each direction) when a tractor trailer headed in the opposite direction lost a tire from the back of the flatbed. We're not talking a bicycle tire or even a car tire, we are talking a huge tractor trailer tire and now it's in our lane bouncing in our direction. Our driver slowed a bit and it hit the front grill section of the bus destroying it and cracking the windshield and sharing the shit out of us (Marc realizes after if he had been videotaping it - we probably could have made a few $$ on the video). Luckily another bus that was 1/2 full picked up us and took us on to our next stop which was Xi-Ha (pronounced shel-ha). It's a natural water park with brackish water (fresh and salt water). We just had enough time to snorkel and then we were on our way again. Our last day at sea was miserable. Overcast, windy as hell and cold. I slept the entire day which was wonderful! Marc and I had time to reconnect which was what I had hoped for. It's been so long since we have real intimacy. I'm not just referring to sex. I'm referring to time together, talking, cuddling, reading, etc. I still can't believe how much I love this man. I can't believe how alive and whole he makes me feel just by looking at me or touching my face. I can't believe I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. We made no decisions on the trip and didn't even really discuss fertility (except w/our friends who have been going through the same thing and are now pregnant w/twins). When we got the airport, I sat and cried. I cried because I was reading Cecily's blog about the twin's due date which would have been on 3/1. I cried because I didn't want to go home. I wanted to be like the guide on our trip in Grand Cayman who had a real job, a real apartment, a real car and a real life and chucked it all away so that she could take tourists out to play with the sting rays. I didn't want to have to face reality. But... here I am at work. My boss told me twice how much I was missed and how glad they are I'm back. It was nice. Thursday we are going to a meeting for people who are considering adoption. Oh, and here's a few books you HAVE to read... "How to Make Love Like A Porn Star" by Jenna Jamieson. Wow... what an incredible woman. Very dark and graphic at times but an amazing story. "The Devil Wears Prada". I don't remember the author but a great vacation book.

Gone Fishing

Ok, not fishing but sunning and funning! I'm on my way out the door, to get myself alllll pretty for my cruise. To any of my "virtual friends" stopping by, I love you all and will talk to you when I get back.

So much to think about

Marc and I had our appointment with the psychologist last night and it was great. We were able to talk our many of our fears about donor egg, donor embryo (which we have now ruled out) and adoption. I felt so pressured to make a decision (by myself) that I didn't realize that I haven't given myself (and Marc hasn't given himself) time to grieve. I'm not 100% comfortable with the idea of grieving for a dream. It's not something I've ever really done. The doctor said that we need to give ourselves time and not rush into anything and we agree with her. I'm glad that Marc liked her and felt very comfortable talking to her. I spent a lot of time listening last night. I spent a lot of time feeling validated. My fears, my anger, my pain are ok. Not that I thought that they weren't ok - it's just nice to have someone tell you that they are. Well, we are closing in on cruise time. I can't wait!!! Tonight we are going out for my Uncle's birthday and then tomorrow night will be spent packing. ACCCKKKK so much to do so very little time! ---------------------- Edited to add.... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I can't take any more! One of my dear friends on an infertility board just lost one of her two twins. She had the CVS performed and her son was great - he's fine, he's healthy. Her daughter had a Trisome of 18 which is horrible. She will either pass in the womb, be born stillborn or possibly be able to live for a few months after birth. Since my friend was leaking fluid which could possibly injure both mother and healthy son, she had to stop the pregnancy for the girl so that her son would live. Please, if you read this, please keep them in your prayers! When I was talking to the doctor last night, I relayed a fear that I had. That I would go through all of this pain and struggle to have a baby, get pregnant and then lose the baby. I told her about Cecily, Anne and all of the women who responded to Anne by saying... I've had the same thing happen. She told me that it's not common, that I'm just seeing it because of the circumstances. And now this happens. My heart is breaking. It's breaking for my friend and it's breaking for me.

Why am I nervous??

Tonight Marc and I are going to see the infertility psychologist. I have already met her (and like her tremendously) and know what to expect. Why am I so nervous? I guess it's because we are taking another new step into the unknown. We are going to her seeking help in making the biggest decision of our lives. How do we create a family? We can't do it the old fashioned way. We can't even do it the technological way (IVF). It has to be egg donor (either my sister's egg or an a donor), adopting an embryo (other person's sperm & egg in my uterus) or adoption. I believe in G-d and I believe G-d is definitely trying to say something to Marc and I. I just can't figure out what it is. Is this G-d way of telling us that we should care for the children of the world? Is this G-d's way of telling us that she/he/it has provided doctor's with technology - use it? WHAT IS G-D TRYING TO SAY?????? I am reading "Hannah Wept" and it's a book on infertility from a Jewish standpoint. I never realized how much infertility there is in the bible but it's full of it. It is viewed as a punishment for transgressions and it is also something that afflicts the righteous. There is no real rhyme or reason for it (I guess). My friend Cecily talked today about her relationship with G-d in her blog (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/) and I realized how much I have been struggling with my relationship with G-d. I'm still very angry and I do need to make peace with G-d and my infertility. Hopefully this appointment will help me head off in the right direction.

I have the coolest job in the whole wide world!!!

I love my company. I work for a fitness company and everyone here is the best. Part of my job is speaking to health club owners. I have spoken with current and former football pro's and, while I've been slightly awed by these guys... nothing compares to this guy.... About 2 weeks ago I met w/a club owner and his staff... over the phone... to go over our program (I'm a geek and I should have figured it out from the beginning) . I have been playing phone tag w/him and his staff to field some questions. I've left a few messages but alas, I am guilty of not fully listening to the entire message. Today I called and left a message and I actually heard the voicemail message. I left a message and thought to myself "did I just hear that right?" I called back and realized that the man I had spoken to at the meeting was none other than the son of the late Jim Henson! I talked to Kermit's, um, well, son? I was dancing around the office singing the Mena Mena song for the rest of the day. I love Kermit! I still remember taking my baby sister, the Princess, to the first Muppet Movie. Much to do... Much to get ready for. Cruise is in less than a week and I had to go out and buy all new clothes cause I'm too fat to fit into any of my old stuff. I hate what infertility drugs have done to my body and I'm determined to get back into shape. I want to be known as that rare person who actually loses weight (not for lack of eating - more for lots of exercise).

Doing a Happy Dance

I found this great product. It's called Umcka Coldcare (got it at Whole Foods) and it is supposed to shorten the duration of throat, sinus & bronchial irritations. I figured, what have I got to lose? So I started taking it Tuesday afternoon (I got the menthol flavor and it tastes good) and today I am feeling SO much better! I'm still sniffly and coughing but definitely a tremendous improvement over yesterday. Marc and I were supposed to visit the psychologist last night but cancelled because I didn't want to subject this wonderful lady to my ugly germs. Tonight we were supposed to go to this meeting for people who may be interested in adoption. We decided to bag that too. There is another meeting scheduled the week after we get back from the cruise. I need some more down time (even though I'm feeling better). Marc is wonderful. Last night he made me spicy turkey chili and rolls for dinner. Talk about your comfort foods! I hadn't eaten anything all day so I had 2 bowls of chili. Then, after dinner he sent me to bed and cleaned up the dishes. He's a good man.

My coworker(s) suck!

They came into the office sick and now I have their fucking colds. UUGGGHH It started out as a sore throat and is now sitting in my chest. Lovely - just what I fucking need. I have enough to do right now without this adding to it! Marc and I have an appointment tonight with the therapist. I just left her a long message saying that even though I feel up to the appointment, I don't think it's fair to expect her to be locked in a room w/me for an hour coughing all over her. So here I sit in my office with the door closed, drinking green tea w/lemon and honey, popping tylenol, taking Umcka (homeopathic cold medicine) and trying to call my customers.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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I should have listened yesterday...

I should have listened to myself when I said I didn't want to go (j/k). OMG I fucking hurt today! It was a hell of a workout and I was very much over my head in this class (pun intended). It was definately for more advanced yoga people but I tried my best, sweated my ass off and had a great workout. I pushed myself more than I have in a long time. I was very fortunate that my friend who insisted I take this class was in training as an assistant. She spent the majority of her time keeping me from falling over and killing myself. My head felt much clearer when we were done. Thanks Joey! I'm feeling angry today. On the news someone through a newborn baby (maybe an hour old) out of a moving vehicle into the gutter (ok - the baby landed no a grassy median) with a plastic bag over it's head. What the fuck is wrong with people?? I know that many people are embarrassed by their infertility. This needs to stop. We need to take to the airwaves, to the TV, to print media and tell our stories. Maybe if these kids hear our pain, they won't be so quick to throw their baby's away. Maybe they will stop and say "I heard the saddest story about this woman who can't have a baby and really wants one... I'll just give her mine". They offer these programs (where I live) that if a mother drops off her child (of any age) at a hospital, police or fire station - it won't be considered abandonment and she won't face prosecution. The only advertising I ever saw about this program is on a city bus. It's just so sad.

Wow, where is this coming from?

This feeling that I want to just curl up and die. I feel so fucking sad today it hurts. I just want to bawl my eyes out. I know that I have tons of emotions that I have to work through but shit, I hate it when they sneak up on me. Why can't I react to a situation when it happens? No, instead I react after the fact. I'm struggling with the desire to cancel on my friend tonight. We are going to a yoga class and then to dinner and I really just want to go home. I wasn't feeling well earlier and I still just feel run down. I know I should go because yoga will be good for stress relief yadda yadda yadda. I'm just not feeling it and what kills me is that if I cancel, my friend would totally understand which makes me feel as guilty as hell. I'll decide later.

Pouting....

Ok fine, we went. It was exactly what we expected. We can either do egg donor (either my sister or an anonymous donor), embryo adoption (the people who have done IVF and have left over embryos will sometimes donate them to people like me) or adoption. We have a lot to think about. Dr. H loved my tee shirt. Knowing I was going to have a shitty day, it seemed appropriate to wear my favorite tee. If you don't know from Happy Bunny... it's this hysterical line of tee shirts with a cute little bunny with rude sayings. My shirt has the bunny with it's paws up by it's little nose. The caption reads... "You smell like butt". Speaking of shitty.... Only those of you in infertility blogland can appreciate the insane humor of this... After our consult - Dr. H wanted to an ultrasound just to see if I had any follicles and/or lining so that she could prescribe something to bring on my period before my cruise (G-d Bless that woman!). So I go into the dildocam room, get undressed and assume the position. Well, as she is putting in the ultrasound wand... I feel this rumbling in my stomach. I was so close to farting it's not even funny (ok, it's hysterical for us - but could you imagine the poor Dr if I had?). Now, my left ovary is embarrassed that it sucks so much so it's in hiding and she's using that ultrasound wand like it's the stick shift on an old car and between the pain of her trying to find the ovary and me trying not to fart... well, let's just say that it wasn't pleasant. She tells me to meet her outside and leaves me to get dressed. I quickly throw on my underwear and pants and bend over to put on my shoes when... BBSSPPPTTT - loud as all get out! I get my shoes on and Dr. H is right outside the door with her head down over my chart. I swear she was trying not to bust out laughing. On the way home, I tell Marc the story and we had a good laugh. That's what we need right now, good laughs.

I don't wanna go!!

I feel like a 2 year old, wanting to fling myself on the floor, kicking my feel, pounded the ground screaming "no, I don't wanna go!". Today is our consult with the RE about my super high FsH levels. I know she's going to tell me that she won't impregnate me with that kind of an FsH level. I know she will tell me I only have 2 options (adoption or donor egg), I know that she won't tell me what I want to hear (there has been a huge breakthrough in the past week - we have a cure for high FsH). I don't wanna go! If I don't hear her say it than it won't be true. I didn't sleep last night. I kept waking up with this horrible feeling in my stomach. I finally dragged myself out of bed, went to the gym, forced myself to read some more of "Adopting after Infertility", showered and then came into the office. I need to focus, I need to work.

Not My Favorite Position... by any stretch

Nope, that wouldn't be a sexual reference, that would be in the position to be in the presence of not one... but two incredibly beautiful pregnant women. Both are due in the next few weeks and have big round beautiful bellies. Everyone gushing (and rightfully so) over them, my friend wanting to take pictures of their tummies. Me, sitting there, trying to focus on my beloved team losing the Superbowl, feeling quite empty. Surrounded by wonderful people, feeling so very alone. It's amazing - I've seen this process rip couples apart. I've also seen it cause couples to grow closer. I think Marc and I are one of those couples. With the exception of the game... it was a great weekend. Marc and I reconnected on a level we haven't be on in a long time. Ah, intimacy, what a beautiful and wonderful thing. Speaking of my wonderful husband.. he's changed a bit. Twice over the weekend he reacted to a situation differently. Each time he reacted in a way that I would hope he would. In one situation he was being protective of me and the other, he recognized that something upset me and apologized. This got me to thinking... he has really worked so hard at being there for me... am I really there for him? Something to think about and discuss. Monday is almost over. We are in countdown mode. 18 days till vacation!

What next???

First and foremost, please visit my friend, Cecily's, blog (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/). She lost her father, a firefighter, in a fire yesterday. I'm old. It's official. I'm not just old, I'm fucking old. Not only has my body shut down but now it's starting to break down. My good old reading glasses aren't enough. I'm "on the borderline of needing bifocals". That's it! I'm not going to any more doctors. Every time I go it's something else! My stress level is just climbing and climbing. Last night we had dinner out w/my parents & sister. My mom and sister were smashed by the time we got to the restaurant w/my Dad. She was loud and goofy (which is fine) but apparently got mean on the way home w/my dad. They have to stop fighting - it's killing them both. Between my mom's bitch boss and my dad not helping - it's just too much. They have to find balance. My darling wonderful husband had no patience last night. He gets this air about him when he's upset/annoyed/angry etc that I just feed off of. I asked him if he was angry and he said he was annoyed w/the drunken antics. What he didn't realize (I guess) is that he was snappy with me. I'm about as raw as possible these days - I don't have the tolerance for it which sucks because he has every right to be pissy. He was fine after an hour or two (when he crawled into bed and pressed his ice cold hands on my nice warm boobs and his ice cold feet on the backs of my nice warm legs... YIKES). The day is almost done... I'm heading out to get my hair done and then home to relax.

How true!

So on my way home last night and I'm channel surfing on the radio. I hear the DJ instructing the caller to call her gyno immediately. During drive time - this station apparently has a call in show where the listeners ask sex questions. Anyway - the DJ then goes on a bit of a rant about women and their gyno's and she concludes with... "Ladies - when visiting your gynocologist - your mouth should be as open as your legs - talk to your doctor!" Amen Sister, Amen!

I Love That Man Of Mine!!

~sigh~ It's just the little things that get me. When he places his hands on my face and kisses me, when he pulls me back into bed for a few minutes of extra snuggles, when he makes me my favorite dinner and when he says something that just gets me, you know, right there in my heart. I'm reading (at the recommendation of the therapist) "Adopting After Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnson. Now, up until this point, I have been the one reading everything I can get my hands on with regards to infertility and just reporting what I've read back to Marc. As I finished my workout (stationary bike - so I could read), I went over to say goodbye to Marc as he ran on the treadmill. I told him that the book was "so far, so good". He then said "Great, I'll read it when you are done". Wow. I don't know why this hit me the way it did but... Wow. I just fell in love with him all over again. "Is it possible that the drugs are what caused my system to shut down". This is a thought that I've had off and all for the past few days. One of my wonderful friends, Lori, is a chemist for a major drug company. She said to me on Saturday that it's a shame she is working on drugs for menopause instead of working in the division that is currently working on FsH at her company. WHAT???? There are a bunch of scientist, that you know, working on FsH. GET ME PHONE NUMBERS!!!! I want to talk to these people, I want to understand what is wrong with my body, I want to know if it's the drugs or did my time just run out. She promised she'd talk to them and I know she will. Lori and her husband Andy have been a big part of our lives for some time now. Marc and I met them at swing dance class. The other people in this class were very strange and Lori and Andy were the closest thing to normal (at least our kind of normal) in the room so we just gravitated to them. It was pretty funny, I am the dancer in our little family and Andy is the dancer in his. As we tripped across each other on the dance floor we would talk about the goings on in our town. Do you like Mexican? Do you like Italian? Have you been to this place or that place? We all decided we would celebrate the completion of the class by dinner at a BYOT (bring your own tequila) Mexican Restaurant that Marc and I love and that Andy & Lori had never been to. On the last day of class, there was no sign of Andy and Lori. I was heartbroken - we had been stood up for our date! Well, after class when we went into the lobby, there was Andy and Lori sitting with a bottle of tequila. They had gotten stuck in traffic. We were now dating. It's funny, the first time we went out as a group with their friends, one of Andy's friends said to us "oh, your the couple that Andy and Lori are dating!" It became an ongoing joke. Last Memorial Day Weekend Andy and Lori tied the knot in Boston. We were honored to be invited but even more honored when we were asked to participate in their Uf Ruf (a Jewish celebration the day before the wedding). They even took us to a Sox game! Now Andy and Lori are really ready to settle down and they are moving to Boston so they can be close to Lori's family. I can't say I blame them for wanting to be close to family but it makes Marc and I sad. We will miss them but they have promised to visit a lot and... now that they have bought a house up there... we will visit them. So... one last thought before I go to work...... GO EAGLES!!!!!

I'm starting to feel like myself again

I guess it's because they cancelled my cycle and I am not having to obsess over taking shots, temping etc. Even though I feel defeated by this whole process, it's still nice to have me back. Does that make any sense? I think I got lost in the process somehow. We played poker last night. It was fun. First we went out to dinner, just the two of us and actually talked about things other than fertility. Then we went to play poker. It's a charity tournament so I don't mind spending the $20 just to lose (I suck at poker... well... usually). Last night I finished in the top 4. Marc was the #2 player at our table (I'm so proud). It was fun. Two nights ago I took a benedryl before bed (thanks to a stress related rash). I actually slept through the night for the first time in months! I was so productive at work the next day.. it was wonderful! Last night, without aid of drugs, I woke up a few times. I hate to rely on drugs for anything but I may just try to take benedryl a few nights in a row and maybe I'll be able to get my sleep patterns back on track.