YYYIIIIPPPPPPEEEEE!!!

Lumi is ok! ~doing an insane dance in the middle of my office~

I know you are around here somewhere

I know you are around, I can feel you.. poking at my uterus and snickering behind my back. Don't you think I can recognize you a mile away? I've known you since I was 11 years old. I know what that icky, weepy, crampy, pull the covers over my head for a week feeling means. My period will be arriving soon. Probably today because I forgot that it was due and wore my lovely new white capris. It's funny. You'd think that since I'm adopting I wouldn't mind getting it. That since we are not "officially" trying, that it wouldn't bother me. If you think that, you're nuts. It's not that I thought I was pregnant. Not at all. It's more that I feel like it's mocking me. My body appears to do what it's supposed to do every 28 days yet there is no purpose to it. My pain will never produce a child. It will just be there, mocking me, every 28 days. So... to my period I say.... Fuck You! --------------------------------------- If you are wondering what happened to my meltdown(s), I've decided that I need to put them away for a little while. Pull them back from the world. I kept obsessing over them, re-reading them at every opportunity and I need to move on from it so I pulled them back. Thank you again for all of your kind words. ---------------------------------------- Oh yeah..... SIGN MY MAP

Lend me your prayers/ good thought/vibes/etc.

My friend Lumi over at Illumination Maybe is having a scare right now. She is about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant and is experiencing bleeding. Please send her your good thought, prayers, vibes, voodoo dances, whatever you feel comfortable offering her. She needs us right now. Lumi - we are all here for you. We love you! Take care of yourself and your little one.

Move Along, Nothing To See Here, Just Another Crazy Infertile

Whew. That was a hell of a meltdown. I'm ok though. I think I just had that little bit more to throw out there. I slept a little better last night (still had crazy dreams - just not as horrible) and will hopefully get a good nights sleep tonight. I took a spin class this morning and I use that time to do visualization. I'll see myself riding this bike by a mountain stream or by the ocean or somewhere else. Sometimes I will picture myself riding over the person causing me problems. Today I just saw myself letting this go. I cried (crying while spinning isn't a good idea but hey - what the hell) and peddled like a maniac. Time to refocus on happy things. I need to find my positive energy again. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words.

Fertility Dance (warning - pregnancy related post)

Just doing a little happy dance for my good from Lumi at Illumination Maybe. After playing "if I stare at the stick long enough" and "the rising HcG levels don't mean anything do they", we have a heartbeat! A beautiful, strong heartbeat! Please keep this wonderful woman and child in your prayers/good thoughts/happy vibes/voodoo dances, etc.

Another Notch! Bam!

The home study is being overnighted by my darling wonderful husband to INS. We will anxiously await our fingerprinting request. YaY!

Tag! I'm It!

My buddy over at

Cubbiegirl

has issued a challenge. A game of tag if you will. Here are the rules.... 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me." 2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. and now... Drum roll please....my questions and answers... 1. What religious background were you raised in, and do you practice that today? I was raised Jewish and still consider myself a practicing Jew. We don't belong to a synagogue so we are really just a couple of wandering Jews at the present time. 2. What has more impact on you: movies, books, or music and why? Do I really have to pick just one? I have seen movies that have changed the way I feel about the world, read books that have given me great passion and sadness, have heard songs that have caused me to pull over because they make me cry so hard. It's really so hard to say. If I had to pick one I'd say music. Why? Because once a song touches me a certain way, it seems like it always touches me in the same way. 3. In the past five years, what about you has changed for the better, and what has changed for the worst? I quit smoking, gained about 50lbs and have taken 40lbs of it off. I found out that I can't have children but discovered that adoption is a wonderful choice. 4. If a Genie gave you three wishes, what would you chose? 1. To spend eternity with my husband. 2. To be a stay at home mom to a house full of kids. 3. Not to ever have to worry about money again. 5. What is the most important thing about being married that no one ever told you? The correct way to communicate (which we have learned to do). We are, by no means perfect at it... but we definitely work at it. Ok - who wants to be interviewed??? Oh, and don't forget to sign the map :)

If you have 10 minutes, high speed internet and

A huge ass box of tissues - check out this video. http://homepage.mac.com/kevintwit/iMovieTheater33.html My good friend Tara passed this on to me and it's about a family adopting a little girl from China. Very well done and just, well, beautiful! Oh, and don't forget to sign my map :)

Sign My Map!

Let me know where you are from. It's the link to the left of this post under "View My Profile". It's the white icon with "View My Guestmap" "Click Here" and ""Place your Pin" flashing with the globe. I'd love to know where everyone is from.

Coming Out of the Closet Part Duex

When my Mom was told that we were adopting, we weren't that surprised at her response.. "I'm designing the baby's room!" My Mom has amazing taste. Well, in the Baby's room there is a closet whose doors were removed by the painters we had hired to paint the house when we moved in and they never bothered to put them back on. That gave my Mom a great idea. Since the room was relatively small to begin with, forget the doors, do a closet organizer and put custom curtains over the closet. It took Marc 8 hours to put the closet organizer together and it took the drape guy about a half an hour do to the this..... closet We also had custom blinds and cornice done to match window Oh, and the day they put up the blinds and stuff, Mom showed up with that bear. How fucking cute is that??? Oh, if you want a Shelly Original, I will hire her out. Kidding. Ok I'm not. I think my Mom would be great at this.

Why is it that some people just have no common sense

when it comes to speaking to a woman about very personal issues? We have my friend over at The Naked Ovary who has been getting pregnanted left and right. Pregnanted is the act of telling someone you are adopting and the response you receive is something along the lines of "Oh, now you will get pregnant". The other definition is, well, more hideous. It's when someone mistakes you for being pregnant when you are not. I have had this happen many many times. I carry all of my weight in my stomach (thanks Dad!). Another friend of mine from weight watchers was just telling a story about how a woman at work asked her what she is going to do now that she is pregnant - isn't she going to gain back all of the weight she just lost?? I'm sure my ww buddy wanted to say something like "no you stupid cunt, I plan on starving myself during pregnancy so that I able to maintain my weight". Oh, did I mention that she's "one of us"? ~peeking around cyberspace looking for Mrs M~ Congrats Sweetie! So tell me, why do complete strangers feel the need to ask people insanely personal questions? While in an airport in Jamaica returning from vacation a black woman asked me when I was due (you'll understand the need for color reference as the story progresses). I just looked at her and said "do I now you?". She said "No". I asked "Are you sure?" She said "Yes, I'm sure". I asked "did we go to school together?" She, being very much younger than myself replied "doubt it". I asked (here's where the color reference comes in) "are we related? cousins maybe?" She laughed hysterically and said "definitely not". I looked her dead in the eye and said "then what would possess you to ask such an intimate question of a complete stranger? I'm not pregnant, I'm fat - thanks for asking". I hope that that experience has caused her never to ask that question of another woman again. Now this experience was long before my fertility shit. If I had been on clomid, I'd be rotting in a Jamaican jail. I usually use the pregnanted statement of "Oh, you'll get pregnant after you adopt" as an opportunity to educate the obviously ignorant person on the new technologies that exist to diagnose infertility. Of course, there was the one time I was in a mood and a woman who tried to pregnanted me said "Oh, you'll get pregnant after you adopt" my response to her was "G-d I hope not!'. Shut her up. The most fun I have is when stupid people ask me when Marc and I are going to start a family. I love it when it's at some kind of social event and I have a drink in my hand. ~insert Jewish accent here~ "So, when are you two going to start a family?" Me - we are expecting around the end of the year. Causing said questioners eyes to dart back and forth between my face, my stomach and my drink which I usually pound for dramatic effect and excuse myself to get another. So, tell me, what are some of the idiotic remarks you have gotten lately?

Gently closing the door behind me

The home study is complete. Social Worker J is mailing out the notarized Home Study today. That phase of our adoption is complete. We then (I think) send it to INS and then the fingerprinting stuff begins. I'm so excited. Things seem to be moving along in a timely fashion. As I mentioned before, Marc spent 8 hours on Memorial Day putting together a beautiful closet organizer that my mom designed at Organized Living. Now we are ready for Lonnie, the custom drapes guy, to put up the drapes on the closet and also the blinds on the window. Mom was very excited because she was watching a design show and saw her idea on the show. I can't wait to see the final product. Then, we just have to pick out the baby's furniture. Traditionally, Jews do not buy baby furniture, clothes, etc. until after the baby has been born. It's more superstition than anything else but I just don't want to do anything else until we get the referral. After that, the baby has been born so we can buy stuff! Had a rough day today. Club owner was a complete dickwad and yelled at me because I couldn't find a file. Told me that I was unprofessional and that I must get paid $6 an hour to sit on the phone. I told him that I could buy and sell his redneck ass and that I don't have the time to entertain his temper tantrums, he can call my boss. hehehehe - my boss will kick his ass :) It's nice working for a company that when someone says "I want your superior" you know that the person you are sending him/her to will back you up 100% (if you are right - which I always am). It's also nice to be able to call someone a cocksucking dickwad redneck to your boss and have your boss laugh. I love my job!

Paranoid Much????

So I was just checking out my sitemeter to see who's been cruising my blog and I see a URL that says uscourts.gov. Ok, if you are reading this and you work for the US courts, please don't be offended but that totally freaked me out. I got to thinking - what if someone who is reading this has some kind of say in my adoption process and then they look back and see me fling the "c" word around with abandon. AACCCKKK Admit it adoption people, would that freak you out or am I just being a paranoid freak?

Stomach in yummy knots

My stomach is all kinds of turned around, upside down, twisting, turning, churning in happy glee. I just spoke w/the senior home study social worker who has been on maternity leave since we begun this process. She's as super cool as Social Worker "S" and Social Worker "L". I faxed her over the last of my home study paperwork and she said she would be sending a notarized copy to INS by Wednesday. Hopefully, they will have it by Friday and we will have begun the next stage of our adoption process. WWWHHHHHEEEEEEEEEE

Hear that???

Silence. Marc's Dad, Stepmom & Brothers stayed with us this weekend. It was noisy in the house for the first time. I absolutely loved it! It's the sounds of things to come. Hopefully, by the end of the year, my house will be noisy non-stop. The sounds of our son, our families visiting our son will fill our home. My brother-in-law & sister-in-law's wedding reception was this weekend at the Zoo. I have to say, they did a beautiful job. We had so much fun dancing among the animals. The band was wonderful. The food was fun (hamburgers, hot dogs, bbq chicken, ice cream & watermelon). The wine flowed freely which just made me want to dance in the fountain but no one would dance with me. I wasn't hammer but apparently if someone wants to dance in a fountain, everyone will assume that you were. Nope, I'd dance in that beautiful fountain sober too. I need to call the doctor's office. We STILL haven't received the medical report. We need the medical report to get the home study completed. AAACCCKKK!!!

Being Overwhelmed (happily)

Have you ever just been going about your day and then all of a sudden you get this incredibly overwhelming feeling of love. At the same moment your significant other pops into your mind. That's how I feel right this moment. I just thought about seeing Marc tonight and my heart just swelled in my chest. I can't wait to see him. I just saw him in the gym this morning but it seems like it was ages ago. I miss him. I want to hug him and kiss him and hold him. We've been married 3 1/2 years and I'm still honeymoon crazy in love with him. Have a wonderful weekend. As long as I'm with My Love, I know I will.

All right people....

Let me remind you of my friend Heather (http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/05/we-interrupt-your-regularly-scheduled.html). Heather is riding in the Race for Roses and is trying to raise money for cancer research through the Lance Armstrong foundation. ________________________________________ Ok, beg-a-thon is now over. Well, my brother-in-law got married this past Thanksgiving in St. Thomas. This weekend is the reception for the rest of the world (300 people!) at the zoo. My father-in-law, his wife and there two kids are staying with us. They got in at 1:30 this morning and I, of course, woke up for all of 2 seconds. I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed this morning and make a spin class. This is after taking a kick ass yoga class on Wednesday and lifting (upper body) yesterdya. Needless to say I'm a big bruise and I'm looking forward to taking the weekend off from fitness. Have a groovy weekend and hopefully I have some stories of people getting drunk and stupid come Monday.

~sigh~ I Love That Man of Mine!

It was a crazy weekend. Marc had to work on Saturday to take care of some loose ends around the office. I painted the closet in the baby's room (I love saying that). I also painted our bathroom. Sunday we went to a bbq so yesterday we had a ton of work to do in the house. Marc put in the closet organizer. It took him 8 hours to do (this was NOT as simple as they made it out to be) but it looks amazing. My parents came over and were duly impressed as well. I promise to post pics of the closet as soon as I can. While he was working on the closet, I mowed the lawn for the first time. My hands are killing me today from the vibrations of the lawn mower. It doesn't look as good as when he does it but at least it's done. Marc's father, step mother & step brothers are coming in for Adam's (Marc's brother) wedding reception. Adam was married in November and the reception is this weekend at the zoo. His father and crew are staying with us. YaY! 2 teenagers in the house. I can't wait! His little (11 & 15) brothers are adorable and I can't wait to see them. His Dad and Step Mom are very sweet and it will be nice to have them around. ****** Oh - look out below! I broke 10,000 hits on my blog. I feel so loved! ******

YaY, it's the weekend!!!!

And we almost have everything together for the home study! All we really need now is the medical report which the doctor said he'd mail out no later than Tuesday. Once that is done, we just have to review the report and then S will send it off to INS so they can issue our appointment for fingerprinting. I think once that comes back ok (which it will), we can get our referral!!! AAAACCCCKKKKK!!! I know we have a few more things to do for the dossier. So much to do this weekend. Marc has some work to do so he's going to stay in town tomorrow and I'm going to go home, paint the closet again in the baby's room (the wall just sucked up the paint) and I'm going to paint our bathroom. If I can remember, I'll do before and after pics. We have a BBQ on Sunday and my parents are coming over on Monday. Have a great weekend everyone!

The Stalker

Why are you following me? You look over and smile and I think to myself "what the fuck is a pregnant woman doing in a smokey bar". As you walk by me you say to yourself (outloud) "guess I'm the only pregnant woman in here". What? Mocking me are you? You want to take this outside? You walk away and I am saved from beating a pregnant woman in the middle of a bar. I sit at the bar, chatting with my darling husband and the super cool radio DJ's that allowed us to come to this shindig and decide it's time to go to the ladies room. I wander around until I'm told that it's upstairs. I go up the flight of stairs, into the ladies room and take care of business. I walk out and there's my stalker walking into the ladies' room. I immediate begin to wash my hands and avoid any eye contact and she says to me "scary up here isn't it?" I grab a few paper towels, smile and walk out of the ladies room. You have no idea how scary it is sister, no idea. We watch Lost in a smoky bar for 2 hours . I don't know why I cried when the baby was taken by the French woman. It really bothered me. We head home, the stalker left far behind. In the mail we had gotten a note. On the front of the card is a picture of a beautiful baby smiling from ear to ear. Inside was a heart wrenching note from the parents who had lost their 8 month old daughter a few months back (see http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/03/and-ride-comes-to-screeching-halt.html and http://talesfromthestirrups.blogspot.com/2005/04/warning-very-sad-post.html). I cried and then I put the photograph on our mantel. I got my period about 5 days early and I'm an emotional wreck. I really just feel like laying in bed and sleeping but I can't. I'm at work.