and so it continues

First... an update on Dad. He had the cardiac catheterization done and he has an 80% blockage in one of his arteries on the left and is hypertensive on the right. They can do an angeoplasty on the artery but the hypertension is probably here to stay. It's from the COPD. The doctor said there is a chance he could be out in time for my new Nephew's bris. Let's cross our fingers cause Dad would be super upset if he had to miss it. Second... I hate assholes. More specifically gym assholes. Today is my lifting day and I was doing lower body. I get close to the end of my workout and it's time to work on my calves. I decide I'll do the seated calf lift so I go over to the machine and there is about 100lbs of weights left on it. Now, this is a common, recurring problem at my club. People don't clean up after themselves and the people who work there are too busy socializing to take care of it. I'm not about to lug 100lbs around so I just take it off the machine and leave it on the floor for the staff to take care of. So, this particular machine is fairly heavy without any weights so I do my first set without anything on the machine. I'm resting between sets and this idiot, Sam, walks up to me and says "what do you think you are doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" I reply. "It looks like you are standing in front of a machine with no weight on it" the asshole says with a very snide attitude. He looks over at the weights on the floor (he probably set the machine up for himself and went to do other things first). I told him "Yeah, some inconsiderate asshole left weights on the machine and I'm not about to lug them around". I then continued on with my workout. I hate self-absorbed people. The only thing I hate more than self-absorbed people is self-absorbed people at 6:30 in the morning!

And the Beat Goes On.....

Dad is still in the hospital. They weren't able to complete the cardiac catheterization last week because he was retaining so much fluid it caused a great deal of pressure in his heart and lungs and they just didn't want to risk it. He's having it done again today so I'm nervous as hell. I met with the social worker last night. I got there a little early. She apologized for keeping me waiting (even though she was right on time). We went into a conference room and sat down. She pulled out a few bottles of Starbucks Frappachino and a couple of cups of ice she had brought from home. How sweet is that? Basically she asked me a ton of questions about my family, childhood, education and work history. An hour and a half later.... we were done. She will be calling tomorrow night to set up Marc's appointment. So... we are moving right along. ---------------------------------------------------------- MOVIE REVIEW We saw Sin City this weekend and it was incredible. Very violent but the cinematography was incredible! It's done in black and white (like the comic book) but where the comic had flashes of color, so did the movie. Great story line and great acting. Two thumbs up!

This day blows! Part 4 (this is getting old)

Dad's still in the hospital - he has his cardiac catherization tomorrow.... my sister-in-law is in labor with baby number 3 and my brother announces that my Uncle who lives in the Dominican Republic has left his wife and is returning to the US. When you ask... Today.... what time you ask... WHO THE FUCK KNOWS! My brother seriously needs to get his head out of his ass. He knew he wouldn't be able to pick him up at the airport. My other uncle is away and my Mom needs to be with my dad so who does this all fall to? That's right boys and girls, your lucky heroine. On a brighter note, I have my first appointment to meet with the social worker from the home study agency next Tuesday. We go on Saturday to get fingerprinted.

This Day Blows! Part 3

Dad has to have the cardiac catheter. He's supposed to be having the procedure done tomorrow. They think he may have some blockage. The good news is that they may be able to take care of the blockage (if there is any) with the catheter itself so he would only have to go through an invasive procedure once. My Mom and Sister definitely changed their tune last night (Sister even complimented my shirt). Ah family. Can't live with them... can't shoot them. So I'm supposed to go to Yoga tonight w/my friend Joelle. I got up, packed my gym back, packed my yoga bag, packed our lunches, poured the coffee and out the door we ran (15 minutes behind schedule). I worked out, showered and discovered that I had left my brushes home and the shoes I brought don't really look right w/my pants (yes I look sooooo lovely today). Then, as I was throwing my gym bag into the trunk of my car, I discovered that I forgot my yoga bag. Plus, on top of all of this, I have major shin splints from walking to and from the hospital in heels yesterday. Well... at least it's sunny out right??

This Day Blows!!!! Part 2

First, and most importantly, an update on Dad. He has been admitted and they are running tests. My Mom called to say that there is a "meeting" w/the doctor and that she thinks they didn't like something on his EKG. I'm just sitting here, waiting for her to call (or for the work day to be done - whichever happens first). This sucks. I wish my Dad was healthier. **update** apparently the EKG isn't giving them enough info so they want to do a catheter. Great... just fucking great. Last time he had that done they stroked him. UUGGGH Second, and completely insignificant. I'm so tired of being the whipping post. When I went in to see my Dad last night after work I got completely bashed by my Mom and Sister. I walked into the room I said to them how unhappy I was w/the way I was looking. That I had grabbed my stuff before I left for the gym (first thing in the a.m.). Basically making it quite clear that I was very aware of the fact that I look like shit. My sister went on to rag on me about what I was wearing and my mom went on to give me shit about going to Old Navy (because I don't want to spend the $$ on clothes that I don't intend to be wearing for very long). I really felt like they were kicking me when I was down. Their answer in all this?? I had an "attitude" yesterday while we were at the hospital. Speaking of being down. What the FUCK is going on with my body. The entire time I was on clomid & the injectibles, I'd have a modest weight gain here or there. I managed to fend everything off pretty well. Now that I am off the meds my body has gone insane. I look pregnant. My stomach is very distended and my arms are really heavy. I've been off the meds for over a month now! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???????

This Day Blows!

My Mom called. My Dad is being admitted to the hospital. Apparently he has gained 40lbs in 1 month and woke up this a.m. w/a badly swollen leg. He has Cellulitis. I'm glad that it was checked by the doctor right away and I'm glad that they are admitting him (his breathing hasn't been good lately). I just wish they would find a cure for his COPD. For those of you who are smokers that are reading this - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop. Right now. Do whatever it takes to stop smoking. Seeing my Dad like this is horrible. It's from smoking... nothing else. Just those fucking cigarettes. My Mom said I don't spend much time w/them and she thinks it's because of my Dad's failing health. Maybe she's right. Maybe subconsciously I am scared to see my Dad sick (even though he's been sick more often than not for the past 10-15 years). Time for that shit to end right now.

****WARNING - VERY SAD POST*******

Please proceed with caution. This is a very sad post. Last week I posted about a friend of ours whose 8 month old daughter was very sick and in the hospital. I'm sorry to say that she passed away. The funeral is tomorrow and I just can't bring myself to go. If we were close friends of the parents, I would force myself but I just don't feel strong enough emotionally to handle it. Marc is going w/his brother. Please say a prayer, send good vibes, good thoughts, etc. to this poor poor family.

Aw, come on - the rest of you.....

Let's go - identify yourselves. Stop lurking and join the fun. I know you're out there. My counter shows many lovely people stop by but you never say hi (except Floyd... Floyd delurked). Please say hi and introduce yourself. Let me know if you have a blog - I'll add you to my list.

What's that noise?

chhhhk, chhhhk, chhhhk....(that's the sound of the car being pulled up the roller coaster, don'cha know) ... cut and paste from the email Marc sent me when I emailed him that I have heard from both the adoption agency and the home study agency and our paperwork has been received! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG (yes, I say the same thing on the rare occasion I'm really ON a real roller coaster). The crazy thing is... I have that same feeling in my throat and in my stomach. That fear coupled with joyful excitement. EEEEEKKKKKK ~quietly lifting the cover of anonymity... Hi Leigh, I see you reading my blog. hehehehehe

And now we release the break a little...

No word yet on our friend's baby but no news is good news right? Just please keep them in your prayers. Well, it's been two days since we mailed in the applications. Is it too soon for me to start bugging them??? I have so many questions I just don't even know where to start. Knowing that my future son is out there... somewhere... either about to be born or, possibly, born already. How can you love someone who you've never met? I asked myself that a thousand times as Marc and I tried to get pregnant.

And the ride comes to a screeching halt

Marc just called. His brother had gotten a call from Sam. Sam's a good friend of Marc & his brother. He called to tell us all that his friends R & V's daughter is in the ICU at the local children's hospital. She is 8 months old and had a seizure last week and it is looking very grim. There is a possibility that she is brain dead. If you are reading this, please say a prayer (good thoughts, vibes, whatever) for this baby and her family as they are living ever parent's nightmare.

Starting down the hill...

Well, we started the paperwork this weekend and are submitting our application to the adoption agency and also to the home study agency (both in one shot - not to shabby). We have ordered our birth certificates, our marriage certificate (because we have ripped the house apart and couldn't find either). We have scheduled our appointments to be fingerprinted. We have to get our physicals done and we have to start working on our autobiographies. I think if we do a paragraph or two every night (or every other night) we should have it ready by the time it's "due". G-d, I feel like I'm back in high school again. So much homework. So worried what the "teacher" will do if we don't do it correctly. Poor Marc. We had to list all of our addresses for the past 25 years for the child abuse background check. For me, it wasn't too bad, just 5 in 25 years. Marc had substantially more and can't remember a big chunk of them (from his college years). Luckily, his brother has some info so between the two of them, I do expect that the applications will being going out in today's mail. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just a little sidenote here... Dr. Georgeanna Seegar Jones, who helped develop the program that led to America's first "test-tube baby," has died. She was 92. On behalf of infertiles everywhere, thank you for your groundbreaking work. Without you and the program, none of us would even have a hope.

And the world weeps...

I believe that certain people are put on this earth to make life a little better. To make people smile when they just want to cry. To make the most cynical person believe in, well, something. To sooth a broken heart or a broken leg. I've been very blessed to know a number of these people. My husband Marc for one. In high school, I had a friend like this. His name was Marc (coincidence?). He was also known as Mongo as he was a big guy. He was the class clown but incredibly intelligent too. He always knew how to make me feel better. Whether it was over a broken heart or a fight with my mother, he could always make me laugh. We lost touch after high school and through the wonders of www.classmates.com we got back in touch. We chatted via email for a few months and then this infertility crap distracted me and we lost touch again. I'd think of him from time to time, thinking I really need to drop him an email and say hi. I guess his life got in the way too. Yesterday, while cruising www.classmates.com I saw a posting entitled "Friends of Marc", I opened the link and found out that Marc had passed away six weeks ago. From what I understand, he had a massive heart attack. And the world weeps as it's lost one of it's angels on earth. Rest in Peace my friend, please rest in peace.

A stop at the top of the hill...

I pause my ride for a moment to reflect on the fact that support comes from the strangest places. I was in the gym this a.m. and talking with a new friend in the locker room. I told her that Marc and I would be adopting a baby this summer (hopefully) and I was very excited. She confided in me that she was a birth mother. She got gotten pregnant in college and chose to put the baby up for adoption. She said it was an open adoption and she gets pictures of her daughter and talks w/the parents whenever she chooses. She said that when the time comes, she will probably adopt as she feels it is the best choice for her as well (although she would go domestic). I don't know why but it makes me feel better talking to a birth mom. I told her we were doing our adoption through Guatemala and she understood our reasons. The whole experience was so positive for her. I don't know why but it really made me feel even better about doing this. Marc and I are going to start getting everything together this weekend. I can't wait! I hope it's not too hard to find all of the documents we need. I'm thinking of just ordering our birth certificates instead of trying to kill ourselves trying to find them. We have our Passports so that's one less hurdle to go through. I wish I could find some good checklist software for the palm. The software it comes with suck.

Just a quick welcome

To Leggy & Dead Bug. They are some wonderful blog ladies I've met in cyberspace. Check out their pages (listed on the left). ~waving wildly~ Hi Ladies!!

Creaking up the first hill.....

Our roller coaster ride has begun and we sit in our little car, strapped in, not really knowing how high this hill is or how fast things will go, we are just excited to be sitting in these little seats. I spoke w/the organization that does the home study last night. It doesn't seem to be as horrible an experience as I thought it may be. The lady I spoke with (who was very sweet) said that it consists of a home visit (to check out our digs), an interview with us as a couple and then an interview with each of us individually. She said the longest part of the process is the finger prints and child abuse background checks. The whole process takes anywhere from 6-8 weeks. Then we wait for our referral. I really want to take a Spanish class.

Keep your hands inside of the car at all times....

Let the new roller coaster ride begin! I called the agency to find out exactly what we need to be doing. I asked Michelle (our adoption coordinator) how long this process takes from start to finish. A year she states. A year?? Ok. Have we decided if we want domestic or international? International I tell her. Oh, well, that cuts back on the time a bit. Great! Have we decided on a country??? Guatemala I tell her. Oh, well that shortens the waiting period even longer! Do we want a boy or girl? We are leaning towards a boy if we have a choice. A boy (she excitedly exclaims), we have three right now! They are the easiest to get. Wholly shit! I have left a message for the home study people in my town. In the meantime, Michelle tells me that I can have some of the things ready for our home study to cut back on time. We need to get.... Certified Marriage Certificate Certified Birth Certificates for Marc and I 2004 Tax Return Government I600A form The names, address & phone numbers of 3 references Choose a guardian for our child She also said we will have to write an autobiography of ourselves but that the home study person would give us the outline. It's true... we COULD be parents by the end of summer! For the first time in almost a year I feel a knot in my stomach of anticipation. I know that my child has been born or is about to be. This child may not be born from my body but it will definite be born from my heart.

Ladies and Gentlemen.... It's a

Decision! That's right, we have finally made a decision. We had talked with our doctor, at length, about our options with egg donation and embryo donation. Last Thursday we went to an information meeting at Jewish Family & Children Services about adoption to understand that option. We weighed our options and have decided to be the very proud parents of an adopted child! I am just so excited that we are, again, back on track to reach our ultimate goal... to be parents. We have told our families and they are being very supportive of our decision which mean the world to us. We decided that we wanted to do international and felt that Guatemala offers us a wonderful opportunity. The children there go straight into foster care which is wonderful because they get one on one care. We would also be able to adopt a child under six months old (which you can't get in many countries). Also, the time you have to stay in the country is very short, only 3-5 days. Tomorrow I will to make arrangements to begin the process. WE have to go through a home study, get referrals from friends, employers, neighbors, relatives, etc. New exciting challenges! So, I guess this concludes my infertility blog and begins my adoption blog. Wish us luck!

The Kindness of Strangers

Never ceases to amaze me. I am on weight watchers. Have been for 2 1/2 years now. I participate in their message boards online. The one I participate in is the General Daily Thread (commonly known as the GDT) and the people who post on this board are known to be quite snarky (especially if you are new and don't take the time to learn how the board "works") and sometimes downright evil (like a man who made fun of a woman who had just suffered a miscarriage). The evil part is definitely a minority though. Today, one of our regular posters, a woman who goes by Annie2005 announced that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and was being sent in for immediate surgery. The outpouring of support for her was quite impressive. Weight watchers allows you to put approved avatars in your profile/signature. Many people have changed their avatars to include pink (they don't have one specifically for breast cancer so people have been using anything in the approved list that is pink or red). Many people have started emailing WW in hopes of getting a breast cancer awareness avatar, people have been calling WW with the same purpose. Reminders are being posted to go to the free mamogram site to click for a cure (http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites) - please bookmark this site and click daily. All in the name of Annie2005. People are offering up their bodies to the annual 5k run for breast cancer in their hometowns in her honor (and in honor/memory of their loved ones). It's so overwhelming for me. To see this outpouring of love for someone people have never met. I've felt that love through this blog and through other sites in my journey through infertility. I hope that Annie2005 can feel the love from the WW site. So Annie2005... this blog is for you. Go fight that bastard we call breast cancer. You are an amazing woman! You will beat it and we will all be anxiously awaiting your return to the GDT when we will welcome you will a hardy... STFU (shut the fuck up for all of you non-internet type people).

I'm back...

Ahhh, the adventures we had! We left home on the Friday (the day before the cruise) with a plan to stay overnight in Miami. We flew into Ft. Lauderdale and planned to take a "shared ride" into Miami (a taxi you share with other people). Well, we were late getting in because our connecting flight was delayed. We waited for the shared ride and it was determined that we would be one of the last people dropped off. No biggie. We dropped off a bunch of people around South Beach. Wholly shit! I've never been there before and it's beautiful! Great Art Deco architecture, beautiful people, just amazing. I was so excited! Then... we head off to our hotel. When we stopped I was very nervous. This couldn't be our stop could it?? Yep, it was. So we got our luggage out of the taxi and walked by the scary individuals smoking outside of our hotel. The hotel itself was ok, the rooms were small (bathroom was the smallest bathroom I've ever seen) and it was fine for just one night. At this point it's midnight and we are starving so we head off to find food (the hotel recommended a place right around the corner - a Cuban cafe we were told). We are walking through this very sketchy neighborhood and come across this "Cuban Cafe". It was on the corner, had no walls on the sides, just a lunch counter and stools. I had my first Cuban Sandwich and it was incredible. Marc had the Cheeseburger Deluxe (made with shredded lettuce, tomato, ketchup and potato sticks). While we are eating, the police are stopping by for Cuban coffee. It was hysterical. The next day we ran around buying last minute things we forgot and boarded about:00 p.m. Boarding was a very simple process and then we headed off to our room. It was beautiful! We had an oceanview suite with a private balcony. We then met up with our friends which was wonderful because we haven't seen them in ages. It was nice going with 3 other couples because we got a table all to ourselves. Marc and I (the lushes in the group) got the wine plan and bought 10 bottles of wine for our 7 day cruise (way too much). A few people in our group shared our wine (which was great because we bought too much). Had a wonderful waiter and wonderful food. Our first stop was in Labadi which is a private island off the coast of Haiti. Marc and I got separated from our group (unfortunately) and just hung out on the beach and relaxed (fortunately). Our next stop was in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. We did the Green Grotto Caves which is a maze of caves with a great deal of interesting history, underground water sources, etc. It was beautiful! We then went on to Dunns River Falls. The bus drops you off at the top of the falls, you walk down to the bottom and climb up the falls through the water. We were very glad to have our water sneakers. It was a great workout and a ton of fun. The water was crystal clear and the people who run the falls go around with wire brushes and brush the algae off the stones to make them less slippery (great idea huh). Next was Georgetown, Grand Cayman (my favorite excursion of the trip). We left the ship and went on a short boatride out to a reef where we went snorkeling. The leader of the trip dove down to the reef with bait and lured out a 4 to 5 foot moray eel. It was incredible! We swam around for quite some time and then we were all brought back into the boat. We then moved on to Sting Ray City. What an experience!! It's a sandbar in the middle of the ocean that fishermen used to throw their scraps. Because it's behind the reef (land side) it has drawn many stingray and has become a protected habitat for them. You can feed them, touch them, hold them... you can even kiss them for good luck. I was giggling like a little kid the whole time. They are such beautiful and graceful creatures. They "fly" through the water and, if you get on your knees, will just sail into your arms and let you hold them. What an amazing experience! Our final stop was Cozumel, Mexico. Very touristy (at least where we were) and we ended up getting to our bus late because of docking issues with the boat. We all boarded our bus (I got a seat right behind the driver - I don't do well on buses) and was told that it was a long 45 minute ride to Tulum (the Myain ruins) so we would be making a rest stop (read - kick back shopping stop). We were stuck at this little shopping area for about half hour to forty-five minutes. We finally get to Tulum and we are told that the ruins are a 20 minute/half mile walk or... we could take the trolley for $2. So, the bus decides to do the trolley. We get to the ruins are we are told there is a $4 fee for video taping inside the ruins. We get the receipt and it was $3. Our driver took a bit for himself (which cut into his tip). Our driver was very knowledgeable about the ruins but was a bit too long winded and we ended up having about 10-15 minutes to just wander on our own. Marc and I did manage to grab a few beers for the ride to our next stop (which was a good thing). We all got on the bus in our original seats (Marc and I behind the driver). We are driving down the highway (2 lanes in each direction) when a tractor trailer headed in the opposite direction lost a tire from the back of the flatbed. We're not talking a bicycle tire or even a car tire, we are talking a huge tractor trailer tire and now it's in our lane bouncing in our direction. Our driver slowed a bit and it hit the front grill section of the bus destroying it and cracking the windshield and sharing the shit out of us (Marc realizes after if he had been videotaping it - we probably could have made a few $$ on the video). Luckily another bus that was 1/2 full picked up us and took us on to our next stop which was Xi-Ha (pronounced shel-ha). It's a natural water park with brackish water (fresh and salt water). We just had enough time to snorkel and then we were on our way again. Our last day at sea was miserable. Overcast, windy as hell and cold. I slept the entire day which was wonderful! Marc and I had time to reconnect which was what I had hoped for. It's been so long since we have real intimacy. I'm not just referring to sex. I'm referring to time together, talking, cuddling, reading, etc. I still can't believe how much I love this man. I can't believe how alive and whole he makes me feel just by looking at me or touching my face. I can't believe I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. We made no decisions on the trip and didn't even really discuss fertility (except w/our friends who have been going through the same thing and are now pregnant w/twins). When we got the airport, I sat and cried. I cried because I was reading Cecily's blog about the twin's due date which would have been on 3/1. I cried because I didn't want to go home. I wanted to be like the guide on our trip in Grand Cayman who had a real job, a real apartment, a real car and a real life and chucked it all away so that she could take tourists out to play with the sting rays. I didn't want to have to face reality. But... here I am at work. My boss told me twice how much I was missed and how glad they are I'm back. It was nice. Thursday we are going to a meeting for people who are considering adoption. Oh, and here's a few books you HAVE to read... "How to Make Love Like A Porn Star" by Jenna Jamieson. Wow... what an incredible woman. Very dark and graphic at times but an amazing story. "The Devil Wears Prada". I don't remember the author but a great vacation book.