Where to go from here

Well, my cycle has officially been cancelled. The one follical the doctor thought I had, looks like it may be just a cyst (it's been the same size all cycle and my E2 levels have not changed). Two options - doner egg or adoption. Marc and I have decided not to decide. We need time to digest this. Someone needs to duct tape my head to prevent the massive explosion that is pending. I just need to get through these next few weeks to my cruise. There I can lay in the sun, drink margarita's and do all of the dangerous excursions I wanted to do but was thinking I wouldn't be able to do cause I was hoping to be pregnant.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK FUCK FUCK - my doctor's office called.. finally... my FsH level has gone up. Fuck gone up - it fucking doubled! 32 - my fucking cunt is officially out of order! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to punch someone - I want to hurt something - I want this to stop! I need to stop crying but I can't - it just hurts too much! It's not fair! WHY ME??? Why is it easy for a fucking 16 year old to get knocked up? WHY? Someone fucking explain this to me - make me understand why some crack whore can have 20 kids that she couldn't give a rats ass about but my husband and I can't have 1 - someone fucking explain this to me now! I want to understand this. I want G-d to come down from high and fucking sit down and explain the big plan here - cause I just don't fucking get it! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??? Someone make this pain stop... please.

WARNING - ADULT CONTENT - MAY BE UNSUITABLE FOR... WELL... ANYONE

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am going to do something I have never done. I am going to allow you all to see what's inside my head. Remember - you have been warned. FUCK STUPID CROTCH I HATE THIS SHIT I WANT MY BODY TO FUCKING COOPERATE WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE HELLO CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH I'M HUNGRY I'M FAT I'M TIRED CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH WHY WON'T THE TELL ME ANYTHING WHAT ARE THE RESULTS WHAT ARE THE ANSWERS WHAT'S FOR DINNER I FEEL FAT I LOOK LIKE SHIT CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH FUCK THIS I HATE MYSELF I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME NEEDLES NEEDLES NEEDLES OUCH WELTS GONAL-F REPRONEX HcG FsH ABCDEFG FUCK THIS SHIT I CAN'T WAIT TO GO ON MY CRUISE I'M FAT I WILL LOOK HORRIBLE IN A BATHING SUIT I WANT TO LAY IN THE SUN CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH WHEN WILL THE DOCTOR CALL WHAT WILL SHE SAY WHEN WILL THIS END HOW WILL THIS END CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND DOES ANYONE CARE MY MOUTH IS BLISTERED AND I DON'T KNOW WHY WHAT CYCLE DAY AM I I HAVE TO CONCENTRATE ON WORK I CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON WORK I HAVE TOO MANY ISSUES I'M A COWARD SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT SO MUCH WORSE IT HURTS HAVE TO STOP CRYING AT WORK CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED TO BE STILL I CAN'T BE STILL I WANT TO BE HAPPY I'M NOT HAPPY SHOTS NEEDLES WELTS ACHES PAINS NOT ENOUGH FOLLICLES AGAIN IS THIS THE END IS THIS THE BEGINNING WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME WHY ME WHY US WHY US WHY US WHY US WHY US WHY US CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH CROTCH ~cue door slamming shut This concludes our visit to Julie's brain.

I'm Brave???

That's what a friend from my weight watchers board called me today. Why? Because I'm going through this. She is such a sweetheart and that comment was so kind - but so far from the truth. I don't feel brave. I feel weak. I feel tired. I want this all to go away. I want to have a day, hell - an hour, where I don't think about this bullshit! Even as I sit here at work, I have a box of drugs staring me in the face. I start Repronex tonight and I'm terrified. Why? Because I heard that repronex stings. That's right boys and girls - not hurts, not causes complete agony.. it stings and for some reason... it's terrifying me. I know once I do it, I'll be fine. I am seeing a psychologist tonight who specializes in infertility. It's funny - I've been told that I am putting out some weird vibes into the world lately. My friend Janet, emailed me "what's wrong". I asked her what she meant - she said "I get a vibe that you are sad". HMMMM, sad wasn't what I was feeling at that time but ok. Then, my previous psychologist called me to just "check in" and see how I'm doing. She does this from time to time when she senses I'm having issues. I feel like I'm cheating on her. I adore Debbie - she's a wonderful therapist. I just really wanted to see someone who specializes in infertility and this therapist.... that's all she does. I'm really excited. It will be nice to not have to explain things (like my meds, diagnosis, etc.) I want to say thanks in advance to my other weight watchers buddy, Alfa, for graciously agreeing to help me figure out how to add links to other blogs on my site. I'm a complete idiot and just can't figure it out myself. I love my friends from the weight watchers board. They are my imaginary playmates. They are such a diverse group of people with (as much as they would deny it) hearts of gold. Trying to lose weight while going through ART (assisted reproductive technology) is like trying to take a nap during Ozzfest. It's not impossible - but highly improbable. However, my imaginary playmates do make it a little easier. I guess I have a lot of imaginary playmates. My friends on the fertility friends board, my friends who leave comments here. Ah the internet - who would have thunk it?

DING! DING! DING!!! Ladies & Gentlemen - Round 5 has begun

I went in this morning for my day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. Of course my wonderful physician is a teaching doctor and had one of her interns with her to do the ultrasound. They really shouldn't allow good looking men into the fertility field (just kidding of course). This time we are doubling up on my injectables and adding repronex into the mix. I have heard this drug stings like hell. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'm doing the shots sub-q with the Gonal. Wow Cecily wasn't kidding. She warned me that when she mentions another blog on her website (http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/) that it always gets around 600 hits. Well, I added a counter to see how close she was and if you scroll to the bottom of my page... she wasn't far off! Cecily is having a really horrendous day - please take a moment, stop by her blog and offer her some words of encouragement. She deserves it... She needs it! This weekend was pretty nice. No drugs to take, about a foot of snow, the Eagles won, New England won. What more could a girl ask for? We broke in our new snow blower (which was fun I must admit) and went through about 6 of those supermarket bundles of wood in our fireplace. I am the ultimate fireplace hog. I just park myself right in front of it and could just sit there for hours. Luckily for me... Marc is very happy enjoying the fire from afar. Well, just waiting on the doc to call with the go ahead on the drugs. Ladies and Gentlemen... Start your Injecting!!!!! (does anyone else have a vision of some girl waving a flag at the beginning of a race?).

Well... it's official....

another BFN (big fucking negative). I was expecting it seeing as I only had one follical this cycle. I'm now officially moving into my 5th IUI cycle. That's right boys and girls, this cycle we get to do not one injection but two.. a day.. in my stomach. The Gonal-f shots aren't too bad (what I had last month) but since I haven't taken the Repronex... I have no idea what that is like. I've heard it's stingy. I felt so bad telling Marc. I always feel bad telling Marc. He was great though... as he always is. I told him that I just wanted to go home and crack open a nice bottle of wine. Is it time to leave work yet? It's strange. I'm very much at peace with this. Either I'm getting better at this or I'm just numb. Either way... it's ok with me. P.S. - I also lost my gloves today - what's that all about???

G-d Grant Me the Serenity....

I keep saying this prayer over and over in my head as I wait the results of my beta. G-d grant the serenity to accept the negative beta test (which I know is coming). G-d grand me the serenity to help my Mom deal with her bitch of a boss who is doing everything to make her life miserable. G-d grant me the serenity just to get through today. You'd think I'd be cool after my wonderful yoga class with Joelle last night but all those wonderful happy vibes that Joelle sent me last night are quickly running for the hills. It was a great class though... it's called Yin Yoga. It's very slow and deliberate. You hold each pose for approximately 5 minutes. I had a hard time with the poses but was able to use foam blocks and blankets as supports to help me. It really forces you to be still which is something I need. At the end of the class, you lay on your mat, covering yourself with the blanket. The instructor gave out eye pillows and you just lay on the floor with soft Indian music playing and be still. Right before she had us sit up, she scented herself with mint and she came over, stood over each of us and pressed down on our shoulders for a few minutes. This really opens up the chest (the pressure and the scent) and felt incredible! Joelle blew my mind. She is so flexible and so graceful when she moves into the poses. Normally, I would be jealous... I wasn't this time... I was awe struck. I was moved. Joelle and I have known each other forever. There was a few years where we grew apart but then... as luck would have it... we grew back together. We had both changed in the time we were apart and I think we like each other so much more now.

Running towards that finish (or start) line!

Yep, I'm nearing the end of of my 2ww (two weeks waiting). I decided that if, by some miracle, I am pregnant, that I will wait till next week to tell everyone. I want to, at the very least, make sure my beta doubles like it should. Having a high FsH level, increases the chances of miscarriage tremendously so I want to have, at least, a few beta's under my belt. I don't think it's going to be positive but... just in case :) Sorry Kristin you will have to wait like everyone else (LOL). In answer to your question, Marc's s/a has been anywhere from 2 million (his first semen analysis) to 12 million (after a month of proxceed which is a very expensive supplement his urologist recommended). I was supposed to have my first appt with my infertility psychologist last night but the damn snow put an end to that. We rescheduled for next week and I am soooo looking forward to meeting with her.

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me??

Ok, I'm Julie. Julie who hates cleaning. I went on, what I can only describe as, a major cleaning binge yesterday. Marc and I are pilers. You know the type, they just make piles of shit everywhere. You throw something on the sofa and there it sits for months at a time. That's just the way we are. Well, it finally got to me. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. (ok, I had been up for hours but decided to get up at 6:30) and proceeded to destroy each and every pile in the house. By the time Marc woke up, I was well into my insanity (much to his delight). Even with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law over, I was cleaning. If I was pregnant, I'd swear this was nesting. I need to vent about these progesterone thingies. I know that they are adding progesterone into my body but it is absolutely necessary for them to cause my tits to hurt like this?? WTF! I woke up at 2:30 this morning with shooting pains in my nipples. I could barely stand up this a.m. because they hurt so bad. I'm seriously going to be wearing a bra to bed tonight. The girls need their support! I saw my grandmother yesterday. She's in her 90's and not very with it anymore. It's very sad because when she was younger, she was an amazing lady. In her youth, she was a model for Littman's. She was beautiful, warm and loving. She's still all of those things - but she doesn't really know who I am which makes me sad. Yesterday, she was having a good day (I live for those visits). She was bright, energetic and didn't fall asleep every two minutes when I was speaking with her. She remembered that my sister, the Princess, was in Israel. She remembered my brother had 2 little ones. It was going great. Then she announced that she is going to wait till she's 30 to get married. That her mom was giving her a hard time about it but she was having so much fun going out with her girlfriends on the weekends and she was just too young. I put lotion on her hands and she enjoyed it. Said she would ask her mom to buy her some lotion. While it's disturbing that she isn't "with it". We had fun talking and I hung out with her for at least a half an hour (usually I'm there for no more than 10 minutes because she keeps falling asleep). Can I just mention that I'm 12 days past ovulation (12dpo). I'm trying so hard not to test because I know that it probably will be a BFN (big fat negative) regardless of whether or not I'm pregnant. My boobs hurt like hell too but that's probably just the progesterone. It's really hard to draw that line as to what is the drugs and what is really your body doing something natural. Only time will tell.

Yay! I can blame it on the drugs!!

That's the first thought that went through my head when I was discussing the lovely side effects of all of these drugs with my favorite Nurse S at the clinic this a.m. (mid-luteal blood draw - yay!) One of the side effects is weight gain would explain why the scale has been creeping upwards. It's so hard not to say "fuck it!" and just eat whatever the hell I want but I know that's a reaaaaallllly bad idea. Another lovely side effect is my hormones raging overtime and it just makes me feel like crying at the most inappropriate times. I found out yesterday that my office dog's Daddies broke up and that the other Daddy in Chicago got custody. No more office dog :( No more puppy kisses in the morning. (ok- no more cleaning up the rug either). Now, let's be honest, it's not my dog, it's only been around a few months - but I wanted to just bawl my eyes out when I heard. I'm such a freaking goofball! I'm so looking forward to tonight. Having dinner with our good friends Andy and Lori which usually equals a night of just laughing our asses off. They are evil and are moving back to Boston but we love them to death! We met them at swing dance class and they were the best part of the class. I ran out to Whole Foods at lunch to get a little healthy snack (mmmm dried mango). The parking lot was jammed and I had no patience so I pulled into their underground lot. As I was leaving the lot (with my boss I may add) I am trying to negotiate a corner and manage to scrape up the side of my car on a pole :( I was not happy at all. We have been planning to get the car repainted, I'm just glad it happened now and not after we did that. Well, boys and girls in Blogland.... I'm getting ready to head out for a fun filled weekend. Tomorrow we are buying our very first snow blower. I'm so excited.

I really hate it when...

Someone tells a lie to get out of something and in the process... Makes me look bad. I just had a health club owner tell me that "that girl I spoke to originally said I could get out of the contract whenever I wanted and that it was ok to do a trial period". Um, no asshole, that was me you spoke to and those words have never left my mouth. Ok, I didn't say exactly but I sure as hell wanted to. I had a really tough time holding my temper. Time to pass this idiot off to the boss. Why am I taking things so personally these days??? Yesterday was almost in tears when the subcontractor told me that the price I got was for half of a job. I called the contractor and straightened it all out but I felt like crying. Shit, I feel like crying right now. If I see one of those sappy commercials on TV (take your pick - any of them) ... I may have to be institutionalized! Today is the one week anniversary of my IUI. I had one last Thursday and a follow up one on Friday. The one Friday was a "just in case we catch the egg in route" IUI. Hmmmm do I feel pregnant yet?? WTF does it feel like? I have no idea! Every ache, pain, twitch becomes a source of... Is that a sign? It's way too early to have any symptoms but of course you hear about how your boobs hurt right away and some women get morning sickness the day of conception. I'm definitely much calmer than I have been in the past but it's still there, lurking in the back of my mind. Am I? Could I be? Is it possible?

Gotta Love the Peanut!

I have a wonderful little sister. She's 14 years my junior but we are the best of friends. Last night she was helping me take my cat to the vet. On our way from my office (she met me there) to my house, we were talking about my fertility treatments. The Princess (as we like to call her) had, on numerous occasions, offered to donate her eggs to me. She's like that - very generous (almost to a fault). One of the many reasons I love her. Anyway - we get the the house and I call her into the kitchen. I showed her the needles I use for the Gonal-F (which is injected into the stomach which completely freaked her out). "Oh, that's not bad at all" she said. I agreed, then I pulled out the needle that my darling husband used for the HcG shot (big SOB). heheheh - I thought my little Princess would pass out right then and there. She then said (jokingly) "I don't think you can have my eggs". We laughed. Off we went to the vet and my sweet old kitty has arthritis and needs to be medicated. The funny thing is, you suck up the drug into a syringe, then you have to transfer it to another syringe. The nurse (who is very sweet) was very specific on how to transfer. I just kept my mouth shut but what I wanted to say was, "Oh, it's ok, I do that kinda thing all the time". I didn't, of course, because then I may have to explain myself. Nothing new in my fertility world right now. Hating the progesterone suppositories but starting to get used to them. What bothers me most is not how they make me feel but that it is causing me to do laundry more often and I HATE doing laundry! I'm in that dreaded 2ww (2 week waiting) period that most infertile people tolerate every month. When I first started this process, the 2ww was sheer agony. When you are going through fertility treatments, you over-analyze every ache, pain, twitch, fart... you just can't help it. On two occasions I really had myself convinced that I had gotten pregnant only to get my period. It was devastating. I'm getting better at not getting my hopes up. Well, Friday morning I have to have my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels. Hopefully Nurse Dracula won't be around. Your see, Nurse Dracula thinks there must be gold in my veins because the two times she tried to take my blood... she was digging for veins. It's amazing - I have absolutely no problems with anyone but her.

AACCCKKK - This is Gross!!!

This is the TMI segment of my blog (I expect there will be many of these). I had to start progesterone suppositories this weekend and all I can say is... Whoever thought of these things, should be shot! The only way to describe how this feels is that I am perpetually squishy. I have to admit, I've done things to myself in this process that if you had told me a year ago that I'd be doing this, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. All in all, it was a good weekend. Marc and I went back to weight watchers on Saturday and... What a shocker... we both gained 3lbs! We really need to get our acts together because we are going on a cruise in February and want to fit into our clothes. We went out w/my cousin and her husband which was very nice. You see, I don't have a relationship with any of my cousins. For the most part, they all suck. Have sucked since childhood. The funny thing is that my cousin and I never connected because she was friends w/the other cousins who told her that I was a whore and a drug addict (both of which were so far from the truth it's laughable). It's nice to be friends with a relative. Yesterday (Sunday) was pure heaven! We got up early and Marc ran out for bagels and lox. I put a fire in the fireplace and we just vegged out. We read, I knitted, we watched TV, did laundry. We only went once to the supermarket so we could stock up on healthy lunches and snacks for our first week back on WW. I have to admit that this blogging this is very therapeutic. I want to thank Cecily for the inspiration. She is one of those courageous women I mentioned in my first posting. She has a wonderful blog called I wasted all of this time on birth control. Check it out at http://zia.blogs.com/wastedbirthcontrol/. Also, my sister-in-law's sister, who is also a super brave lady, an incredible knitter and a really incredible person, has a really neat blog at www.januaryone.com. Until next time....

Awww - Cute Bunny!

Yep, that's what Nurse S (one of my fav's) said when she walked into the examining room to perform my pre-IUI ultrasound. I was wearing my favorite Happy Bunny socks in an attempt to make me feel better. For those of you who don't know... Happy Bunny is this cute little bunny character with REALLY rude sayings. I have a tee shirt that says "you smell like butt". Just silly! Anyway, Nurse S walked in and tells me to assume the position (feet in the stirrups) and she sees my shocking pink & purple socks with the bunny. "Awe, cute bunny!" she exclaims. The she read the caption under the bunny... "oops, I pooped on your things". There is now a hysterical woman standing between my legs.... I don't know how I feel about that!

Beginnings...

Allow me to introduce myself... My name is Julie Foxx and my husband and I are dealing with infertility. Ok, I'm not really dealing but I'm trying to deal with it. It all started last March when my wonderful husband, Marc, and I decided it was time to start a family. I had heard about natural family planning and had read up on it (temping, cervical fluid, etc) and decided that this was our ticket to producing our children. After 4-5 months of trying, my Mom began to start nudging us to see a specialist (Thanks Mom!). Turns out that Marc had very low sperm count. We were now under the care of an RE (reproductive endocrincologist). It's interesting.... Even though the reason we weren't getting pregnant at that time was due to Marc's low sperm count, I was the one subjected to all of the hideous tests. The HSG (my least favorite), the biopsy, the weekly internal utrasounds, bloodwork, etc. We started with IUI (artificial insemination) with clomid (the drug from hell!). We went through three cycles of IUI before they dropped the bomb on us... Waiting to have our third IUI performed the nurse said "the doctor wants to see you before the procedure". I knew this wasn't going to be good. "Your FsH levels have gone up Julie". Huh?? That's right boy's and girl's - Julie's biological alarm clock has gone off. FsH is the gauge doctor's use to determine the quality and quantity of eggs. In my clinic (every clinic is different), the high end of normal is 10. I was at 16 (the higher the number the worse it is). I am very fortunate that my doctor didn't turn me away. Many infertility specialits will because it messes up their success rates. I am very proud of myself that I waited till I was in the car to lose my mind. Then I mourned my body's betrayal. I know I'm 37 but look at me - I don't look older than, say 32! How could this be??? I waited my whole life for Mr. Right. I didn't settle! I found him, got married at 34 - we waited 3 years to start a family UUUGGGHHHH!!!! Pity party over. There are so many courageous women I have met in this process. Women who have gone through IVF after IVF without success. Women who have had not one but multiple miscarriages. Who the fuck am I to whine?? Through this process we have managed to still laugh (Thank G-d for my husband, he can make me laugh on command). I hope to make this blog a place for me to vent and, at the same time, laugh and what should be an unlaughable process.